Diane Roberts, Florida Phoenix

Back in the last century, before condos choked the beaches and theme parks displaced orange groves, I was a page in the Florida House of Representatives.

All you had to do was fetch coffee and copies of bills for men in fat ties who called you “Young Lady.”

For this, you got a week off school and $50....

Tired of Black people thinking their lives matter? Sick of hearing Spanish every time you’re in a Miami restaurant? Annoyed by uppity women asserting their so-called rights, gay types flaunting themselves by getting married and taking out mortgages, unwashed tree-huggers trying to stop righteous sprawl, and Marxist high school teachers making kids study pornographic Shakespeare plays?

Generally fed up with the 21st century?

Florida is here for you!...

It’s a new year here in the Free State of Florida and you’re freer than ever!

Free to tote guns; free to kill bears; free to drain and pave; free to call ICE if you spy some brown-complected fellows in the Home Depot parking lot.

Most of all, you’re free to make New Year’s Resolutions....

Foreigners! What have they ever done for us?

I grant you there was that 18th-century guy, that Marquis de Lafayette, who convinced the French government to back us against the British and used his own money to help fund the War of Independence.

You could argue the Chinese who came over in the 19th century to build the railroad also had their uses....

Remember the War on Christmas, when conservatives worked themselves into a lather over America-hating freaks wishing people “Happy Holidays,” putting on community celebrations called “Winterfest” instead of Christmas or parking a Festivus Pole next to a Manger Scene?

Or the Black Santa phenomenon, which so horrified Fox News’ Megyn Kelly she felt compelled to declare “Santa is white”?

Good times....