9:48 PM: When I last tuned in to the RNC, they were talking about McCain’s military service. I just turned in to Cindy McCain talking about John McCain’s military service. And then other people’s military service.
9:53 PM: We’re supposed to believe that John McCain is what we’d get if Santa Claus and George Washington adopted a baby and then sent said baby to DC to represent the fine people of Arizona. And again with the chanting.
9:59 PM: The CNN conversation on what the fuck they’re doing with the stage and podium is hilarious. Apparently, by having a giant jutting black phallus bordered by neon with another phallic podium rising up out of it, he’s going to show us he understands our pain. Short of a rash of men sticking their penises in pipes, I don’t see how this works. The goal is that he’s “among the people” – perhaps a better goal would have been to have more people there in the first place. Just a thought. I’m going to go disassemble the kitchen sink now to get in the mood.
10:08 PM: John McCain was a POW and his mother loves him. But has he been the mayor of a small town?
10:09 PM: Side note – this video is narrated by Robert Davi, who’s also in American Carol. By transitive property of conservative failure, this speech will be set in a Port-o-Potty and involve Bill O’Reilly punching McCain in the face. Done and done!
10:13 PM: John McCain arrived too early for the podium. This bodes remarkably well. Did anyone else notice that McCain’s bio video skipped almost his entire career in public service except for a shot of him with Reagan?
10:16 PM: GREEN BACKGROUND!
10:17 PM: The first part of the argument that John McCain is going to change Washington: his love of George W. Bush as president. The second part: free candy in your cubby hole. Full-size Twix, swear to God.
10:20 PM: The green screen is now turning into something that looks more like cell mitosis. McCain just did the whole, “I honor Obama” schtick, and only got cheers when he mentioned America.
10:23 PM: Oh, God, stupid protester. And…stupid, weird joke in response.
10:25 PM: Dear crowd, stop yelling “USA” at fucking everything. And they’re cheering harder for Sarah Palin than they have for anything else in this speech.
10:26 PM: The takeaway I get from this convention is that it’s actually Palin who’s running for President.
10:28 PM: “John is my homeboy” t-shirt in the crowd. Way to co-opt that Obama messaging, people.
10:31 PM: Zombie Republican crowd doesn’t care about anything John McCain does that doesn’t allow them to chant “USA”. Apparently, this is 1983 and the GOP is running against the Iron Sheik.
10:37 PM: The crowd is not liking this inclusive stuff. Just toss out the word “America” again. The bad thing about the way this plays (for McCain) is that McCain’s trying to make a speech to the middle and these people haven’t gotten the message. They only want red meat, and are totally disinterested otherwise.
10:39 PM: Saying this speech is half-assed is an insult to asscheeks everywhere.
10:41 PM: Um…there are no specifics or plans for payment for anything he’s tossing out here. Will he get hit on it? USA! USA! USA! Apparently, the civil rights fight of our time is education, and the way we guarantee civil rights is by undercutting any guarantee of consistency or access to education.
10:45 PM: We will do things! We will! And my opponent…unions! AMERICA!
10:48 PM: John McCain will stop the Cold War with prayer and listening. He will solve problems because he knows good and evil, and shares dreams with foreign leaders. John McCain is a Care Bear.
10:54 PM: Let’s share the credit for the things we accomplish, like that asshole who did the campaign finance thing with me and the other gaytards who went after Abramoff. You know, those “patriots”.
10:56 PM: John McCain was a selfish maverick. Then, POW! and he was the maverick we’ve come to know and be completely afraid of saying anything to lest we disrespect the men and women who’ve been held as hostages during times of war and don’t try to get out of every mistake they make by hiding behind that status.
10:59 PM: He’s done it. John McCain has managed to make 66 months of torture at the hands of a brutal enemy the equivalent of your grandfather’s retelling of the story how his car broke down on the side of the highway and a squirrel jumped inside it. They got it out with peanut butter.
11:05 PM: Praise be to Funshine Bear, this is over. By the way, is it customary for non-celebrities to have their own personal theme song composed by bestselling music artists?