If you want to run for the Republican nomination for President in 2016 (and I know you do), then here are some handy tips for rocketing to the top of the polls for two weeks:

1) When you're polling poorly, it's because the mainstream media is shutting you out.

2) When you're polling well, it's because you managed to get around the mainstream media's filters.

3) When you make a mistake, it's a setup from the mainstream media.

4) When someone else makes a mistake, it's not being covered because of the mainstream media.

In the 2012 race, we've seen this pattern over and over again. But Ann Coulter, who appears to be receiving regular deliveries of the chilled souls of the innocent from the Romney campaign in exchange for support that manages to be both tepid and vitriolic at the same time, is running a new version of this scam. It's like Ocean's Eleven, except the other ten people can't stand to actually be around Ocean, so they just politely retweet the article and move on.

The mainstream media keep pushing alternatives to Mitt Romney not only because they are terrified of running against him, but also because they want to keep Republicans fighting, allowing Democrats to get a four-month jump on us.

I'm pretty sure that everyone else in the Republican field would be surprised that they're being pushed by the mainstream media.  Rick Perry, for instance, would gladly tell you why that's wrong, once he rouses from his slumber. Herman Cain will tell you why you're wrong after he pushes a paper clip around on a table for two seconds and repeats your assertion excruciatingly slowly. Michele Bachmann will just assume you've gotten a Gardasil injection. Newt Gingrich...well, Newt Gingrich knows he's smarter than Ann Coulter, the mainstream media, Barack Obama, Bill Gates, Thomas Edison, Leonardo DaVinci, the Almighty, and Tom Brady, and will gladly tell you why so long as you're a female reporter.

The only consistent quality that's marked the GOP race this year is the search for the biggest victim of the mainstream media.  Donald Trump was savaged by the media for his simple insistence that Obama show his already-released birth certificate. Sarah Palin is, of course, Sarah Palin. Bachmann was a nice Christian lady besieged because she was the walking version of an e-mail forward you get from your uncle that was cribbed straight from the blockquote beneath a "False" on Snopes. Perry was just like George W. Bush, and we know how they hated him. Cain was a black conservative - black, people! - and that made him perhaps the greatest victim the party could provide.

And now, we reach Mitt, the bland, telegenic frontrunner that everyone in the media has assumed will be the nominee since the moment he awkwardly called himself unemployed. He's a victim of the mainstream media in a manner even more insidious than all the other made-up ways the other candidates were: the very fact that this field of losers is competitive with him is prima facie evidence of bias against him!

That mainstream media, what a pack of wily and utterly, nonsensically contradictory scamps.