This Kansas senator exalts Trump’s first 100 days. Please don’t ask follow-up questions
In an alternate universe, an unnamed news weekly runs the following, laudatory op-ed from a Kansas politician.
As a humble U.S. senator from Kansas who is definitely not Roger Marshall or Jerry Moran, it fills me with ecstasy to write a column commemorating the first 100 days of President Donald Trump’s second, but hopefully not last, administration.
Yes, I understand that more than 40% of Kansans supposedly voted for Joe Biden and then Kamala Harris. I’m assuming that was fraud. The actual residents of our state knew what they were supporting in November 2024: using tariffs to choke off the world’s agriculture markets and plunge the economy into a recession!
Wait, did I get that right? Let me check. I am being told I did.
Rest assured, we here in Congress are 100% behind the president’s agenda, whatever that might be at the moment of this writing. Sure, it’s hitting folks back home. Institutions they depended on — from the U.S. Department of Agriculture to higher education — are being gutted by children supervised by the world’s richest man. Again, though, that’s definitely what Kansans wanted from our president. I support every bit of it, so please don’t criticize me on X, Elon.
Sure, some sticks-in-the-mud claimed that wasn’t what they wanted. They showed up en masse at a town hall to tell me so. Don’t worry, we fixed that problem. My staff declared they aren’t real Kansas. We can’t open the detention centers soon enough!
Real Kansans crave poverty. I mean, think about it. What do you think about when you think of Kansas?
The Wizard of Oz. The movie version was filmed during the Great Depression and portrayed Kansas as a sepia-toned hellhole. That’s what folks want for our great state! Child labor, a gutted National Weather Service that can’t warn us about tornadoes, the Dust Bowl. Classic Kansas.
Again, let me check my notes on this. I just want to triple-check I’m getting it right because it sounds like political suicide.
No? This is really what I’m supposed to be suggesting? Hoo boy.
Now, you might wonder about the point of vast economic and societal disruption. I think I speak for everyone in Congress when I say enthusiastically: I don’t know! Neither does anyone in the White House. However, the president has informed us that it’s all going to work out great — as everything he’s ever done has always worked out great — and that doesn’t make me nervous at all.
Are we worried about broken promises? Of course not! This president has always delivered on his promises. Remember the amazing Obamacare replacement plan? Remember infrastructure week? Remember how he ended the Russia-Ukraine war on day one of his second term? Remember how he said that Mexico would pay for a border wall, and Americans would never pay the cost of tariffs?
I rest my case. Promises made, results delivered.
A few in the chattering class have said otherwise. They point out that the U.S. Congress actually has the power to levy or lift tariffs. They point out that the U.S. Congress actually has control of how the government spends money. They point out that the president can be restrained by Congress if we just get off our duffs. But do they realize how boring that sounds?
It’s all going to be fine! Folks need to realize they can go work in the new factories that are sure to dot the landscape in just a few months, or possibly weeks, if the president has suggested that. Because that’s definitely how big business and industry works — the president enacts incomprehensible, quickly reversed policies and reality changes around us. Instantly!
These same communist critics say that as a U.S. senator I should be spending more time sticking up for Kansans rather than licking the boots of a would-be tyrant. But I ask you, have you actually tasted the boots? They’re quite delicious!
Plus, this means I won’t get yelled at online by Elon, who I don’t mind telling you is A LOT. I can refuse to meet with the people who yelled at me in Kansas. Have you tried ditching Elon? Even Trump can’t get rid of him.
Please remember that anyone who says or thinks otherwise has Trump Derangement Syndrome. TDS! They’re the ones who are totally deranged and have no idea what’s going on, not the administration that accidentally texted war plans to a journalist. We’ve all butt-dialed someone who’s not our spouse with secret war plans, right?
All in all, I would say this has been an amazing first 1,000 days. Whoops! I mean 100 days. I’m absolutely not at all nervous about what the president is doing — trashing export markets that farmers depend upon, slashing services that Kansans at home expect, and generally turning our economy into smoldering wreckage.
If I were you, I’d be worried! But I’ll be fine. My seat is guaranteed! Sometimes I wonder why I even campaign.
In conclusion, Trump has been fantastic! And I’m sure that after the second 100 days his total mastery of our political system will be even clearer. That, or we’ll be in some sort of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome situation.
If not, at least I won’t have debased myself quite as badly as Roger Marshall did. Did you see his Newsweek op-ed? He didn’t mention tariffs once.
I’ll be fine, though.
Clay Wirestone is Kansas Reflector opinion editor. Through its opinion section, Kansas Reflector works to amplify the voices of people who are affected by public policies or excluded from public debate. Find information, including how to submit your own commentary, here.
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