imageYou cannot escape motherfucking Wall-E. He is in your dreams. He is your dreams.


Well, not really, but I wanted to approach yet another facet of this movie. And no, it's not the fact that Wall-E is a less verbose Johnny 5. It's the conservative caterwauling about it. I'd go over a list of complaints, but the fascist bomb got pulled by Jonah Goldberg-

(Okay, we're going to talk about Jonah Goldberg for a second. Actually, what we're going to do is make Jonah Goldberg jokes. Jonah Goldberg is so dumb he blamed baby back ribs on Roe v. Wade. Your turn.)

-so we've pretty much had All Conservative Internet Traditions invoked. But here's the big thing that all these reactionaries are missing about Wall-E, something that you'd think, in their penchant to declare everything from Cinderella Man to, uh, Cinderella Man: Director's Cut a conservative movie, they'd have picked up on. There's a perfectly reasonable conservative read on the movie that doesn't turn it into a total piece of shit! Of course, that also involves not calling a movie that's anti-corporate "fascist", so leave it up to the hairshirted liberal to find it. The fundamental story of the movie is about a culture beholden to a nanny state - in this case, a literal nanny state that coddles them like babies from the cradle to the grave, a world where individual initiative is destroyed and cultural history is entirely alien to the entire human race. Basically, it's the exact thing that conservatives have been warning us about for years, wrapped up in a movie with cute robots who rebel against it and lead humanity to a hunting-gathering-growing Earth.

The main problem, obviously, is that the movie views the nanny state as a corporation rather than a purely public/liberal government entity. But for a movement which lists one of its biggest recent cinematic accomplishments as The Island, they need all the help they can get.

Where the power of Wall-E rests, and what makes it so controversial, is that it plays on a universal theme in a specific way - the abandonment of what truly matters in service to an easy and seductive evil. It's the distraught person selling his soul, the teenager selling out to be popular, Judas selling out Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. Hell, if you want, it's even a contorted Rapture story - mankind has finally managed to bring a reckoning on itself that has destroyed all it ever knew, and only by finally realizing the truth are they saved and returned to a peaceful reign on Earth.

It's just disappointing watching these people give up and reflexively turn against a movie because it involves environmental destruction rather than the hellfire and homosexual orgies they would normally connote as the End of Times, and a charismatic corporate leader rather than a slick Jewish leader coming under the guise of the United Nations. You've gotta work at this, people!