I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to be educated by a giant douchebag. Would the seeping vinegary smell permeating everything have had a Pavlovian effect on my education, allowing me to keep a small cache of Massengill in my desk drawer, each whiff bringing back a new fact about the Vietnam War, or multivariable calculus? Would a platter of fish and chips have me spouting facts about post-Renaissance Italian literature to a befuddled date until the pain in my head went away?

Students of Mike S. Adams, please weigh in through the comments section. Adams has decided that an anecdote based on a bad joke about supply and demand will be the thing that defines supporters of Barack Obama (Barack H. Obama, to be exact, because the middle initial he doesn't go by is somehow relevant) - they keep making up rights that we don't have with no idea of what rights are or what they entail.

Basically, he watched an O'Reilly Factor where Billy cherrypicked a bunch of unprepared college students with thin arguments and then proceeds to mock them for being awful, stupid people. And Negroes and Muslims.

I only wish I was kidding. Some of the rights that people and O'Reilly guests say we should have:

Everyone has the right to a college education. I can’t imagine what it will be like as a college professor once Obama implements this one. I’ve been teaching to the occasional unqualified black and the occasional unqualified athlete for years. But now that everyone, including, presumably, the mentally retarded, has a right to a college degree, I might just retire and become a firearms instructor. Hopefully, Obama will not grant a Right to Firearms Education to both idiots and the insane. (Author’s Note: This one came from Obama himself).

What Obama is articulating here is the simple idea that every person should have the opportunity to go to college if they so...

...What the fuck did you just say?

I’ve been teaching to the occasional unqualified black and the occasional unqualified athlete for years. But now that everyone, including, presumably, the mentally retarded, has a right to a college degree, I might just retire and become a firearms instructor.

At least he broke up the original phrase of "black athlete" to stretch the word count. I'm glad to see that in Adams' years of teaching, the only race of student he can identify as unqualified are black kids, and every other racial group can come in wholly prepared to attentively watch Adams calculate just how big those dudes' penises actually are. It's like a bonus sociology class!

Adams, incidentally, is a criminology professor. I do wonder how someone with his interesting racial attitudes tackles crime. The class on FUBU as an indicator of homicidal behavior is a real eye-opener, I've heard.

Everyone has a right to breathe clean air. This is a really bad idea for the Obama campaign. If everyone starts to enforce his right to breathe clean air in the presence of swarthy young Muslims, Obama might lose an important part of his electoral base.

You know how you can tell when someone's a grade-A bigot? When they say something that makes no sense whatsoever, and it's still obviously fucked up. What does this even mean? Do swarthy young Muslims combust in the presence of too-little carbon dioxide? Is that the key to bringing peace to Israel and Palestine, just pumping in enough CO2 to keep things calm? Is there a Sura I missed about the indignity of carbon offsets?

On the plus side, Adams is ensuring that his classes will look like Young Republican rallies for the foreseeable future.

Everyone has a right to free health care. I recently learned this from an incoming Drexel law student appearing on The O’Reilly Factor. Bill did a great job by asking her whether this right is in the constitution or whether it just comes from the fact that she is a really nice person. She was forced to admit that it was not in the constitution. She should do really well in law school because she’s a really nice person.

Bill O'Reilly managed to berate a poorly prepared guest until they said something that he could hammer into the ground. Who was screaming at Adams that made him write something this stupid?

Everyone has a right to demand that the rich pay taxes in proportion to their ability to pay taxes. I recently learned this from an incoming Yale law student on the same segment of The Factor. Everyone agrees that the rich should pay more taxes than the poor. What is controversial is the notion that they should also pay a higher percentage of their income in taxes. But that was not the issue in this segment. The issue was whether the existing gap in the proportion of taxes paid by the poor and the rich should be widened and, if so, by how much. When someone says we have a right to tax the rich “in proportion to their ability to pay” they mean “tax them until they can no longer pay” or “tax them until they are bankrupt.” Many people who hold this view were not actually alive during the Carter Administration. But they have taken history classes from people who assure us that he was really not such a bad president.

Why would you interview a 0L law student about the economic utility of progressive taxation? Oh, wait, Bill O'Reilly again. He'd ask the Latino clerk at CVS about immigration and then demand that Bill Richardson explain the guy's answer every night for three months.

Every gay man has a right to feel comfortable. I heard this one from a first-year law student at Yale. He actually informed me thrice that his right to be comfortable as a gay man trumps the First Amendment. I guess they don’t teach constitutional law until the second year of the Yale law program. But the question is: How did this sissy get into Yale Law School?

I will admit this: on my first reading, I thought he asked how this essay got into Yale Law School (Yale asks for a 250-word essay about any topic you want). A little esoteric of a reference, sure, but otherwise completely understandable. Then I read it again and realized that cleverness will never suffice when pitiful slurs could do.

I no more trust Adams' recounting of this conversation than I do an alcoholic's recounting of the number of drinks they had, but you do have to wonder how such a grand asshole made it this far in the world without suffering serious bodily injury. Adams is a bigger indictment of the academy than any of the small group of radical liberal professors put forth by conservatives. His only original thought seems to be finding new and different ways to insult those who aren't white and heterosexual, predominantly to the benefit of his own apparently bruised ego. (The bruising makes sense - when you're around highly educated people who lack your penchant for in-depth, multi-day discussion of why you shouldn't have ear sex*, you probably start lashing out at all those multicultural faggots to build yourself back up. If you're twelve.)

After spending only a little time listening to followers of the Dali Bama I have concluded that, in Obama’s America, everyone gets to declare at least one new fundamental right regardless of whether it is written into the constitution. And so, naturally, I am going to declare first that I have a right to unlimited rights. (This is sort of like making one’s only wish a request for unlimited wishes).

My second declaration of a new right is a little more complicated. First, I believe that I have a right to demand that you show me a copy of the U.S. Constitution every time you demand a new right. And if you cannot identify the constitutional basis of your proposed right, you forfeit that right as well as your right to vote in 2008. And, of course, I get to cast the vote you forfeited.

So, those of you prone to simply announce fundamental rights without any constitutional basis should beware that this could soon deprive you of the right to vote. Until now, it’s only deprived of you the right to sound intelligent.

Why is it that conservatives, firm believers in the constitution, can always be counted on to come up with new and different ways that people should be denied the franchise? You don't earn enough, you're not smart enough, my wife said your name the last time we had sex - they're always just so angry.

*You might get hearing AIDS. Get it?