I just finished a book about body issues I want to review, but I'm putting it on ice because this interview at FiveThirty Eight with John Ziegler, a dude who put together a poll and a documentary about how stupid Obama voters are (with the implication being that universal suffrage needs to be repealed if people are going to elect black Democrats) is one of the more fucked up things I've seen online, and that's saying a lot. Summary from Five Thirty Eight:

Ziegler was responsible for commissioning a Zogby International survey of Barack Obama supporters, which took the form of a multiple choice political knowledge test, stating a "fact" to the respondent and asking them which of the four major candidates (Obama, McCain, Biden, Palin) the statement applied to. Because I believe that many of the statements on the survey are questionable or false but are misleadingly presented as factual to the respondent, I characterized the survey as a "push poll" in an article posted early this morning.

Ziegler had contacted me by e-mail, asking if I'd like to interview him; the interview itself was conducted by telephone. Ziegler asked, among other conditions, that I post a full transcript of the interview, which I have.

John Ziegler is definitely a grade A paranoid angry white man. In fact, so much that it made me competitive. Sure, he is skilled at being a crazed wingnut, because he has sincerity and genuine paranoia in his toolkit. But could I, without being a bona fide crazy wingnut, beat him at his own game? Here are my answers to his questions. You can vote on who won the contest at the bottom of the post. Be honest.

Nate Silver [NS]: Were only Obama supporters interviewed for the [Zogby] survey, or was everyone interviewed?

Typical liberal elitist. You know that I know that you know that interviewing McCain supporters is impossible when the brilliant light of intelligence that shines off them would do very little but confuse the pollsters, and perhaps cause nerve damage. I don't know about you, but I'm unwilling to pay for the insurance on a bunch of do-nothing low wage workers whose brains fry when they listen to the genius-level responses of your average McCain voter. And remember, some of those McCain voters were Palin fans. You can't expose that level of genius to your average poll worker, not without paying for restorative surgery due to brain damage.

Also, we were worried that polling McCain voters would create a database for the Obama administration to steal and use to confiscate everyone's guns.

NS: Do you stand by all the statements in the survey as being unambiguously true?

Ambiguity is a concept invented by college professors and homosexualists to bewilder the masses, and trick them into voting for Democrats. There was one question where we accidentally asked interviewees about Tina Fey when we meant Sarah Palin, but if you think that means I'm willing to experiment sexually with you or your "husband", you've got another thing coming.

NS: What was the right answer to that [Palin] question?

That you would do her with Russians watching, but if they take their pants off, then no, because it's gay. We got a lot of answers to that question, and it was much harder to classify them into "perverse", "disgusting", "liberal elite", and "full-blooded heterosexual patriot" than we thought it would be.

NS: Why would you commission a survey question with no correct response?

That you don't realize that there is only one correct answer to that question shows why we had to commission this poll. Clearly you Obama people have cheese for brains.

NS: Were the interviews conducted by telephone or online?

How dare you ask me questions like that! Are you trying to suck my cock? What's wrong with you? I'm not letting you know if I have a telephone or a fucking computer, pervert.

NS: We’ve heard reports from our readers that very similar questions had been asked in an online format. There was no online component at all?

This is why I was so angry that you called our poll a "push poll". If you said what you just said to one of our pollsters, they would mark you down as "doesn't even know what a telephone is". I fail to see how you can think that's anything other than scrupulously fair and objective.

NS: Is the complete interview available anywhere -- complete results for the interview?

What next? You want my Social Security number? My mom's phone number? An HIV test, pervert?

NS: Were the respondents informed of the 'correct' response during the telephone interviews?

I suppose if we'd done that, it would have immediately converted them to Republicans. You would have liked that, wouldn't you? No, of course not. Because it would interfere with your nefarious plans to install a black man in every high office in the land. A grand scale of affirmative action that would have put Hitler's affirmative action programs to shame.

NS: Did Zogby have a chance to preview the questions before agreeing to accept your business?

John Zogby himself or the company?

NS: Either/Or.

I'm sure that if we had allowed that, John Zogby himself would have called me up, had me over for dinner, and thrown my money in my face. Because their first priority is making sure polls are smart and fair, not making money. But you socialists wouldn't understand something like that.

NS: What questions were removed from the survey?

Whether or not Obama was the Anti-Christ. We figured 100% of respondents would refuse to admit the truth, so why bother?

NS: What questions were edited?

In retrospect, I wish we had remembered that her name was "Sarah Palin", not "Tina Fey". I think then we would have had a lower "yeah, I'd do her in front of Russians" rate, because you liberal sickos would have a thing for skeezy, disease-ridden Hollywood actress types.

NS: What did Zogby charge you -- what did you pay for this survey?

What do you want, my bank account number? Is that the new taxation under your messiah? Taxing people who want to commission polls?

NS: Did he charge you at his usual rates or did he ask you for extra?

(Explodes in fury and walks out of the room. After ten minutes, comes back, slightly calmer.) Sorry about that. First my friends make fun of my lady friend's special rate for me, and now some smarmy mouthed liberal thinks he can make fun of me. Why don't you consider my problem a disability and be a little more PC about it?

NS: In the Youtube video, how were the Obama supporters identified for the Youtube video?

You can tell by looking at them. Don't pretend you can't. I had a person working with me who happens to be a black female, which means that I have lifetime immunity from your insinuations that racism has anything to do with this. You're not going to pull a George Allen on me. Didn't it even occur to you fuckers just once that maybe Allen likes the shape of a noose, and that's why he hung one in his office? Because it's aesthetically pleasing? No. You can't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Racism racism everywhere.

NS: What was the location of the polling place where the interviews were conducted?

Los Angeles.

NS: Okay, that's what I kind of guessed. How many Obama supporters did you speak with in total?

Twelve, and then we gave up because we were afraid that it might be catching if we went any further.

NS: Was there any significance to the fact that in the YouTube video, seven of the twelve Obama supporters were black?

(Bursts out laughing) God, the way you people carry on, you'd think black people were a minority. I mean, you even use that misleading word: "minority". When I looked that up in the dictionary---do you know what a dictionary even is?---it described a minority as "the smaller part or number; a number, part, or amount forming less than half of the whole." Do you think that Obama could have won if black people are really a minority? I don't think so. We picked the racial mix-up by complete accident. I didn't even notice their race at first. But we also picked it because we wanted the racial mix to reflect accurately the number of black and white people in the country. And that's where it stands, last Census. 60% black people to 40% white people.

NS: How did you represent yourself to John Zogby?

Obama Lovers Inc. It was self protection. You don't want the liberal fascists to find out what you're doing before you start and throw it all off balance. It was the only way we could get anything resembling fair treatment.

NS: Did Zogby give you sign-off on the press release that he released on his website?

I don't understand the question, though I understand your snotty, superior tone of voice. I wouldn't take that tone of voice with me, Obama Boy. That's going to be the new word for "stupid" you know.

NS: Did you have financing for the project or was it paid for out of pocket?

There may be a few very rich Republicans out there giving money to projects like this, but I'm not at liberty to confirm or deny this.

NS: Was it paid for by the RNC?

Did some college professor put you up to that question? What if I said that the answer is ambiguous? Would you think I'm one of yours and jerk me off then?

NS: Well, that Obama 'launched his career' at the home of two former members of the Weather Underground --

That happens to be one of the questions that Obama supporters did the best on! They did better on that question than on any other Obama-related answers! And here you’re telling me that it’s not true?

NS: What do you mean by "launched his career"?

Well, I'm putting you on my resume as my mentor after this conversation. After all, you did talk to me. Are you willing to deny that you're my mentor? I have a call log to prove it if Fox News wanted to get involved in this. You don't want to be on Rush Limbaugh's bad side if you choose to pick this fight. Look, the guy's not a peach like Sarah Palin.

NS: Well, her husband was a member of a secessionist party.

That's why we'd mark you on the survey as not understanding the definition of the word "patriot". Keep at it, latte boy. You're about to score an A+ on the stupidity test.

NS: Do you think that certain types of voters are less well informed?

Look, my completely unbiased, objective survey demonstrates that Obama voters are too stupid to breathe. Who needs these elaborate poll tests or poll taxes or other elaborate ways to make sure that only the right voters can vote? In the future they'll be able to use my entirely scientific, foolproof survey to demonstrate that voting for a Democrat makes you mentally unfit to vote.

NS: What types of media would you consider credible?

Anything that published a story about how Five Thirty Eight is a reputable source is immediately off the list. Just because your election predictions were startlingly accurate is no evidence that you're reputable. I'd say the opposite: You're clearly in the conspiracy to steal this country through disreputable tactics like clean elections and universal suffrage.

NS: What is Barack Obama’s religion?

Questions like that demonstrate you are part of Obama's jihadist conspiracy. You're not going to pin me on what percentage Muslim he is. He won't release his registration papers, so how could we know? The jihadist network that keeps track of who is and isn't a registered Muslim is a tightly run organization. How else do you think they've been hiding Osama bin Laden from Bush this long? How else do you think they convinced so many Iraqis to oppose us? Because they have the giant registered Muslim file, meaning that they've got all sorts of dirt on your average Iraqi citizen. It's either resist the U.S. forces of have that lesbian affair in college revealed.

NS: When do you think Obama was a Muslim?

Again, trying to trick me. It's not when he was a Muslim so much as what percentage of him is Muslim, and what percentage is atheist masquerading as Christian. We know that between ages 6 and 10, he was working for Al Qaeda as a secret agent, and while his mother knew, she knew that revealing as much would make it harder for her child to grow up and take over the government through treachery.

NS: But would you personally consider Obama a Muslim?

This is like asking if a mule is a horse or a donkey. I'm on to your game. You're very clever for an Obama voter.

NS: Would you consider Obama a Christian?

My wife tells me we're supposed to consider black churches like the one headed by Jeremiah Wright to be Christian now. She's better at the mushy PC mincing around than I am, so I'm going to defer to her judgment and say sort of. He has been inside a Christian church under this new PC definition of "Christian". Lightening didn't strike him dead, which could mean that he's a Christian, or that the church isn't protected by god like other Christian churches are. Hard to say.

NS: Would you not believe Barack Obama if he told you he was a Christian?

When faced by the temptation to suck cock, is he able to resist 75% of the time or more?

NS: Do you think he’s a believer in Jesus Christ?

I don't know. I don't hang out at the gay bars in the Chicago area. I have no idea how often he hangs out there, and how often he goes home to put on a happy front with the wife.

NS: Do you have doubts about Barack Obama's birth certificate?

Ha. Ha. You think I'm crazy. I know he was born in Hawaii. Now whether or not Hawaiians born that year count as real citizens is still being investigated.

NS: Would you consider yourself well-informed?

Liberal fucks like you would believe I know everything if you saw the contents of my mighty brain. I don't know everything, of course. Almost everything is a different story.

NS: Who are the two senators from South Dakota?

Senators Eatadick and Gofuckyourself.

NS: Very good. South Carolina?

What next? Going to ask me questions from my own survey? I'm not going to do that. And you better make sure you post this entire transcript, because I want people to realize how sharp I am.

NS: Well, since you’re running a website calling people misinformed, I’d like to see if -- there are certain things you’ve said that I would consider misinformed.

Misinformed! I'm the only one of the two of us that knows about Obama's secret jihadist past. Who do you think you are? You probably don't even know who really killed Vince Foster. I bet you never post this transcript on your website.

NS: Thank you, have a good day.

Go fuck yourself.

Okay, ladies and gents, that's it. Now here's the poll to determine if I was able to out-wingnut John Ziegler. Be brutally honest. It won't hurt my feelings. I want this poll to be as scientific as Ziegler's, if not more so.