Pulling A Full Grandpa Simpson
Is George Will even trying anymore?
Umpires — the only people who are on the field during the entire game and the only ones indifferent to the outcome — were depicted in pre-Civil War drawings wearing top hats and carrying walking sticks. An account of the (supposedly) first game between organized teams — June 19, 1846, in Hoboken, N.J. — mentioned the umpire fining a player six cents for swearing.
One way to get rid of them is to tell ’em stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time we went over to Shelbyville during the war, I wore an onion on my belt….which was the style at the time…you couldn’t get those white ones, you could only get those big yellow ones…now where was I? Oh yeah, the important thing was I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time, you couldn’t get those… (trails off)
I suppose it’s better than lying about global warming…sort of. Less likely to get you shellacked by every single other writer at the newspaper, as they’ll all be asleep.