Texas will secede and you’ll finally get that pony
Thanks to reader Mark for sending me this picture from the Houston Chronicle detailing one of the many pro-secessionists who’ve sprung up in Texas (well, become more outspoken) in the months since the election. The woman’s sign is a threat, a reference to Thomas Jefferson’s quote, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is it’s natural manure.” Manure is about right when it comes to the people who are not-subtly using this occasion—which is pretty much a reunion opportunity for the morons that started to make McCain campaign rallies so scary—as a way to question the legitimacy of Obama, with the hopes that someone else will kickstart this revolution. Timothy McVeigh, who also looked up to John Wilkes Booth, wore a T-shirt with this slogan.
New York’s rallies might have been about coloring within the lines on the podium, but in Texas, there was no such restraint. Our own governor played footsie with the people who mistakenly think that Texas has a right to secede, and that we should do that as a pouty-bear response to the rest of the country indecorously electing a black/Democrat/funky-named/popular President to office.
“There’s a lot of different scenarios,” Perry said. “We’ve got a great union. There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we’re a pretty independent lot to boot.”
He said when Texas entered the union in 1845 it was with the understanding it could pull out. However, according to the Texas State Library and Archives Commission, Texas negotiated the power to divide into four additional states at some point if it wanted to but not the right to secede.
My fellow Texans with less than ideal understanding of law and history, I’ve created a primer for you on the subject of Texas secession.
Does Texas have a right to secede?
Oh really? How do you know that, smartypants liberal Austinite who isn’t really a Texan at all,* even though you live in the state’s capital?
Because Texas tried it once, and that didn’t work out so well. Surely you remember the Civil War, since most of you idiots have a Confederate flag somewhere in your possessions.
If we can’t secede, then how come my buddy Joe Bob said we could? You can trust that guy, since he swore up and down that he had a serious cache of automatic assault rifles from around the world, and we doubted him, but sure enough, you haven’t seen a pumpkin explode until you’ve hit it with an Uzi.
Despite Joe Bob’s shiny credentials and his Ron Paul bumper sticker, he’s wrong. The myth that Texas can secede probably goes back to the Civil War. Texas willingly joined the union in 1845, and then got dragged back in kicking and screaming a mere 20 years later. That had to have had a psychological impact on the supporters of the confederacy. The sort of impact that could create wishful thinking like, “If we’d just left on our own, this wouldn’t have happened. It was pairing up with those other racist fucktards that got us into this situation.” But there’s no reason to believe that we actually have the right to secede. It’s not in the state constitution, and even if it was, the Civil War amply demonstrated that’s a fight that Texas won’t win. And these idiots at these teabagger events who actually think they could take on the U.S. government with a fleet of pick-up trucks armed with automatic weapons while the state loses its population as people pick their loyalty to America over the paranoid rednecks should share what they’re taking with everyone before it rots their brains further.
But that makes me feel emasculated and stupid.
*The problem of Austin—all the big cities who are pretty liberal, actually—is not generally dwelt upon by those who think we’re not real Texans, and yet intend to haul us along in their fantasy secession.
By the way, it’s very telling to me that most of the people participating in this thing don’t appear to be aware that you can buy loose tea, if you want something to symbolize your efforts that doesn’t accidentally end up symbolizing your smallness and pathos. Tea bags are some sad-looking objects.