How to assail Blackazoid, the Ebon Energy of Eternity? How do you stare into the face of African Amazement and tell him that he is not only unimpressive, but that you believe he's actually, provably wrong about something?

You call him a fag.

Frank J. At IMAO explores the black Chicago metro city sexual experience. I mean, who else orders a Burger with Grey Poupon? Who goes out for burgers with a camera crew?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Now, being a liberal and having gone to high school in the late 90s, I am as familiar as anyone with the signs and portents of alleged homosexual behavior. Everything from clipping one's nails to owning a small dog to furtive rewatching of locker room interviews after sporting events you paid no attention to, I know fairly well those things which will cause the sexually insecure to accuse another of being TEH GHEY.

I have never heard of putting grocery store mustard on a burger as a stopping point on one's ascension to massive gaydom. This could be just me being behind the times, though.

Perhaps this means more than people realize.

Remember that loving couple ... the Edwards? That devotion, that love that ... Reille Hunter baby?

Is Michelle covering for Barack the metrosexual? Is he perhaps too buff, too well dressed, too cool, too ... well let it go at that.

I wonder if he likes musicals?

So, things that mean you're gay:

1.) Being in shape.

2.) Being shirtless at a beach on vacation.

3.) Being married to a woman and then having sex with another woman and impregnating that second woman.

4.) Being dressed in nice clothes, such as tailored suits and ties.

5.) Being cool and admired by millions of people.

By this standard, the straightest man alive...

image Bruce Vilanch.