There is so much stupid in the world; all I can do is hope to bring it to light. Today, we shall analyze three works of dumb, each with its own particular je ne sais quoi that makes it worthy of mockery and ridicule.

A general conservative blogger method of reading statutes, laws or anything relating to how things actually work will generally fall prey to two undeniable canons of non-comprehension:

1.) They cannot read.

2.) This is compensated for by picking out the few trigger words which spark babbling outrage and then copying only those words in an effort to feel like they actually can read, like a high schooler who only read two pages of the English assignment but tries to make everything revolve around the one phrase he remembers if he gets called on.

Case in point: Cassy Fiano. In Texas, HB 3318 is being offered as a method of sentence mitigation for mothers convicted of murdering their infant children while suffering from post-partum depression.

Please note what I just said. Because it's what the bill says. Then note what Fiano says.

Of course, leave it to a rabid pro-abortionist like Jessica Ferrar to see otherwise. She’s a Texas state representative, recently honored by Planned Parenthood and the proud owner of a 100% NARAL approval rating. She’s currently trying to force through a bill that would make Catholic hospitals be required to dispense the morning-after pill. Her latest bright idea? To decriminalize infanticide.

But...what? Huh? The bill explicitly says that "the offense is a state jail felony". There is a criminal sentence. Is there a meaning of "decriminalize" that includes prison time for a criminal offense? Did I go to sleep and wake up in Ari Fleischer's head?

Are you sick to your stomach yet?

Yes, but not for the reasons you think.

Right now, murder of a child under the age of six in the state if Texas is capital murder. And this evil woman, Jessica Ferrar (who, by the way, calls herself a Catholic — yeah right), wants the punishment for murdering an infant to be little more than a slap on the wrist. And why? Because if the child is under a year old, they’re worth less than a child aged 1 - 6?

No, because some women provably suffer from often crippling depression brought on by birth in the first year following said birth.

Incidentally, the way that sentence will be perceived by Fiano? "Cripple women following birth. Obama's depression makes gay babies."

Alas, we must move on to example two. Leon H. Wolf at Redstate offers a "compromise" position on waterboarding, which is one of those in-no-way-clever analogies that some people try when they really shouldn't.

You see, we should make waterboarding safe, legal and rare! Like abortion! Because if you substitute one word for another, it's like you made an argument! For instance, "Welcome to Burger King, home of the abortion. How may I abort your fetus today?", or "I'm sorry, but you need to get up off your fucking abortion and take the trash out, you lazy sack of partial-birth", or, and this is my favorite, "I keep aborting my unborn child because the boss is so cheap, and I'm not leveled up enough dilation and extraction". See? Wit.

The comments, though, are the best part. For instance, comparing feminists to abortion clinic bombers. Or comparing waterboarding to colonoscopy prep.

And now, number three.

William Jacobson, who joins Ann Althouse as one of the most inexplicably tenured people in America, attacks Obama because he got dijon mustard on his burger yesterday. The idiot brigade is right there with him, demanding that the MSM bring us the vital details of his food elitism, lest the nation somehow think that this Prince Akeem motherfucker is one of us. (And do you ever get the feeling that if they could stand black people, Eriq La Salle's character from that movie would be their hero?)

Now, Ray's Hell Burger serves gourmet burgers. Really great gourmet burgers. They have imported cheeses and aged beef and shit, which, incidentally, you'd hope they would have access to in this global capitalist economy that we're supposed to love so goddamn much.

So why would you attack Obama for asking for mustard you can get at the grocery store, especially referencing the exact line of attack that McCain and the mainstream media used against Obama for months?

Oh, because it was a joke!

I think Joeyess needs to get a life and get out of the house, and if so, perhaps he'd understand a little sarcasm is a good thing. It certainly seemed to work for the left when W was in office but I guess the One is off limits. We're seeing this with Leno and other comedians who are scared to poke fun at Obama unlike how they have treated every other President. Lighten up a little, and perhaps you'd be happier. And by the way, there is a truth here, and it's about Obama's supporters more than Obama.

Yep, so when he attacked Obama for eating fancy mustard in a way that conservatives have been doing for years (including Bush attacking Kerry for not eating his cheesesteak in a way that nobody from Philly does after their first time, because Cheeze Wiz is some sort of melted industrial solvent), it was all just a joke, and really about how nobody makes fun of Obama, even though he was actually making fun of...ah, fuck. I'm never aborting this fetal heartbeat again.