It having been twenty five years since Michael Jackson appeared with the Reagans at the White House, and nearly three days since Michael Steele embarrassed himself in some electronic medium, it's now time for conservatives to find a new black person to be comfortable with.

Now, you might have thought that Tea Parties were faux-grassroots protests of something something something...and you would be right. But they're also serving another purpose: tryouts for Real America's Next Top Negro! It's convenient and a bit brilliant, in that it allows a bunch of people who don't have to go to work that day to both stand around and judge brown people for being shiftless, lazy assholes and to immediately reverse that assessment once a brown person pulls out an inexplicably sexual "DON'T TAINT MY TEABAG" sign.

First, we travel to Tennessee, where there was at least one verified black person:

12:40 — Guest veteran gets huge cheers from the crowd, “I was offended by being called a racist redneck teabagger,” says our veteran, who is an African-American female.

“Let’s start in 2010 by getting these idiots out of office and let’s get some conservatives — Democrats or Republicans. Because this isn’t about parties…And guess what? We’re not as dumb as you think we are.”

“Woo!” the crowd cheers.

Woo! indeed. She is the new Condoleezza Rice.

And next...uh, well, there is no next, as Nashville was apparently the only place in the country where enough unemployed, part-time, or third shift workers could get together to stand out in the sun and happily discuss the incoherent slogans they cribbed from then wrote down on the leftover posterboard from their kid's presentation on how every single world leader between 1936 and 1944 was a fascist except Winston Churchill.