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Christmas is also about Sperm Magic

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Hey, we wouldn’t be a proper evil secular liberal blog if we didn’t observe the War on Christmas. Of course, the way that liberals actually observe it is to point out that it’s strictly a conservative holiday, invented and observed only by conservatives who want to believe they are martyrs at the hands of invisible secularists who run into their houses, snatching presents from their children’s hands. That this has never happened has no bearing on the outrage—abuses that happen only in the mind of conservatives are, if anything, even better evidence that they are beset by liberal demons. After all, those out to get them are all the more powerful for being magic enough to be imaginary. Ask Sarah Palin. But don’t think that just because conservatives made up Christmas warriors in their head for their own ends that liberals can evade responsibility. After all, even things that can’t possibly be our fault are our fault.

Perhaps you heard that Bill Donohue, who has made it his life’s work to redefine Catholicism as a wholly owned subsidiary of the Republican party, ran an ad in the NY Times to rant against the imaginary War on Christmas. Now, those of you familiar with Donohue know that he claims to speak for all Catholics and he believes his religion is more about worshiping the patriarchy than anything quaint like a deity. (To be fair, the Pope appears to take this stance as well.) His belief that his religion gives him a right to dominate is all tangled up and completely inseparable from his belief in Sperm Magic, and it really shows in the language he uses in the ad.

There is something sick about Friendship Trees, Winter Solstice Concerts, Holiday Parades and Holly Day Festivals. The neutering of Christmas extends to the banishment of Nativity Scenes from the public square, the expulsion of Baby Jesus from creches not otherwise forbidden, the banning of red and green at school functions, the censoring of “Silent Night” at municipal concerts, etc.

Neutering, huh? The word we use when we talk about cutting off an animal’s testicles? My oh my, Donohue certainly has a different experience of Christmas than the one I thought you were supposed to have! I always thought it was a holiday about peace and love and presents, but apparently what’s laying in that manger is not an infant god, but in fact a representation of wingnut genitals set up for us to worship. And if we don’t worship them, then said wingnuts are neutered.

In a way, the conflation of the baby Jesus with wingnut gonads makes sense. They’ve been practicing this equivalency for a long time: “babies=fetuses=Sperm Magic”, and so there comes a time when an infant starts to blur with your own cock worship. And since the Bible makes a big deal out of how Jesus was formed with god’s own mighty sperm, then the leap is pretty easy to make. God sperm, man sperm—either way, the point is that sperm is magic, and that gods and men can make it proves they’re objects of power and worship. And if we don’t have nativity scenes where everyone stands around worshiping the baby Jesus/wingnut phallic symbol, then we’ve essentially emasculated them. Might as well cut their balls off. Or, as Bill Donohue likes to put it, neuter them.

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