It’s been difficult for Kris Kringle to deliver presents around the world in tough economic times — and now several challengers are looking to the 2012 election to claim the title of Santa Claus.
“The current Santa has failed us three Christmases in a row,” candidate Glenn Fondale explained. “I say we all stand together and say, ‘Ho ho NO.'”
“Since 1993, I’ve served as chief basket stuffer under three separate Easter Bunnies. And unlike other candidates, my belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Last Christmas, large portions of Italy, Hungary and mainland China went ungifted. That’s inexcusable. I will form an elf task force — thousands strong — to check my list. And you better believe they will do it more than twice.”
But candidate Mack Henry says that Fondale’s promise of change is hard to believe from “a man who’s agreed with Santa’s naughty or nice positions 90 percent of the time.”
“What kind of Santa do you want?” Henry asks in his ad. “An Ivy League know-it-all or someone that gets results? I’m Mack Henry and I flew an F-15 in the war. Can I fly a sleigh? I call that a P.O.C. — that’s a piece of cake.”
“I know reindeer! I know how to control them and, God forbid, I know how to kill ’em! I know that Santa’s sleigh is powered by magic. That’s why we’ve got to drill into Gumdrop Mountain, see if there’s any magic in there.”
Candidate Kathleen Heyward, however, sees the feud between Fondale and Henry as just “another campaign fueled by male bickering.”
“I’m just a mother of six and a grandmother of 46 who knows a little something about stuffing stockings,” Heyward explained. “I’ve seen firsthand just how hurtful the naughty or nice system can be. With my 10-tier naughty or nice system, we can say ‘Ho no no’ to holiday child neglect.”
She continued: “I believe in Yuletide values. And that’s why I’ve opposed the stimulus package. Kris Kringle should not be handing out erotic toys. I believe that presents are St. Nick’s gift to committed American heterosexuals. It’s time we restored the dignity and tradition of our founding Santas.”
Watch this video from Funny or Die, broadcast Dec. 19, 2011.