Matt Drudge Is Trying To Make Salsa A Culture War Issue

Over my dead body.

The Drudge Report's front page, as you all are no doubt aware, is basic an exercise in inducing a panic state in paranoid white people, mostly men, by painting a picture in SCREAMING PANIC NOW HEADLINES about whatever culture war hobbyhorse is up Matt Drudge's ass today. So, imagine my amusement peppered with worry to find that the enjoyment of spicy foods is now the thing that will be ending Civilization As We Know It.

Hide your daughters! People are partaking of a stiffer spice than black pepper!

Man, pledging your fealty to the Wingnutteria is getting more exhausting all the time. First you have to suck it up and pretend that watching "Duck Dynasty" is fun, and now Matt Drudge expects you to give up salsa in favor of ketchup, lest patriotic Americans start wondering if you're part of the imaginary "reconquista" conspiracy theory that has all the anti-Mexican bigots up in arms. What next? Only leaving the house on even-numbered days because the other ones are described as "odd", which is halfway to queer?

While nothing would please me more than watching a bunch of hateful right wingers give up the pleasures of salsa to prove some kind of point, I also have to admit that I'm concerned for myself in this equation. If salsa bowls start disappearing from the tables of more conservative parts of Texas, I fear that my excursions there could send me spiraling into a depressive state. I really like salsa. While a ketchup bottle will languish unused in my fridge for years, I eat my weight in salsa like every month, often pairing it with hot sauce to prevent the dreaded possibility that my food isn't spicy enough. Salsa is one of those things that Texas natives from both sides of the aisle can agree on. Traveling to the Midwest is hard enough for me, my friends. I do not understand the ways of people who make you ask for the Tabasco with your eggs. If Texas starts turning into Kansas, I don't know what I'll do. I mean, Austin would probably build a wall and declare war if anyone tried to take salsa from them, but some of the more conservative parts of the state, I just don't know. How are will people go to prove their Republican bona fides? Besides not using phrases like "bona fides", I mean.

I'd like to believe Drudge is just taking it too far. Even the most loyal wingnuts who are willing to hop to every time you ask them to prove how white they are will probably balk at this. Not even Pace picante sauce, they will ask, eyes welling up with tears. I just don't see it happening. Truth is, salsa has been more profitable than ketchup for two decades now, so despite Drudge trying to make a big deal out of this, salsa's ascendancy in entrenched. So I'm guessing all the but the most loyal Drudge panickers will just shrug and keep eating it.