Richard “Dick” Cheney was once tremendously uncool, but now that Vanity Fair has declared George W. Bush to be a hipster icon, it made us realize that if there’s one warmonger who could use a media makeover, it’s the Wyoming Kid. And since the arbiters of Internet cool were tweens in 2009 when Cheney left office, they’re more likely to know how much he loves his gay daughter then the fact that he earned five deferments, because what’s a deferment? Here’s why Cheney’s the VP all the kids want to be.
1. He’s an extreme hunter.
Long before hipsters started strapping handguns smithed in the ’70s by men with unironic beards, Dick was out there shooting his friends in the face just to watch them cry.
2. He’s got a hacker-proof heart.
Try as they might — and they try mightily — no hacker will ever find his way into Dick Cheney’s heart. His pacemaker contains security protocols that make Apple weep with envy.
3. He knows a fine pair of hipster spectacles when he spies one.
Who’s rocking those rims? Rumsfeld’s rocking those rims.
4. He put the “self” in “self-esteem.”
When they asked him who should be vice president, he just looked in the mirror and smiled.
5. Man. Sized. Safe.
Strong enough for classified top secret documents, but large enough for something man-sized.
6. He was into invading Iraq before you’d ever even heard of it.
Cheney and The Project for the New American Century wanted to invade Iraq in 1997, four years before anyone had even heard of 9/11.
7. He makes the Batman cringe every time he impersonates the Penguin.
Which is only every time he laughs.
8. He has an undisclosed location, but you’ve probably never been there.
It’s, like, totally underground.
9. He was into domestic surveillance way before it went mainstream.
Obama is like Stone Temple Pilots to his Pearl Jam when it comes to spying.
[“Portrait Of A Hunter Isolated On White” on Shutterstock]
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[“President Gerald Ford’s White House Chief of Staff Donald Rumsfeld, right, and his deputy, Richard Cheney, Nov. 7, 1975, in Washington”]
[“Campaign Rally In Ohio Attended By Vice Presidential Candidate Dick Cheney, 2004” on Shutterstock]
[“The Metal Safe” on Shutterstock]
[“Silhouette Of Soldier With Machine Gun On A Car Against A Sunset” on Shutterstock]
[“King Penguins At Volunteer Point On The Falkland Islands” on Shutterstock]
[“An Almost Empty Field In Rural South Africa Against A Dramatic Blue Sky” on Shutterstock]
[“Girl Is Spying On Boyfriend He Is Using A Smart Phone” on Shutterstock]