Raw Story’s five biggest anti-LGBT A-holes of 2013
It was a big year for bigots of all stripes, but particularly for anti-LGBT bigots. The U.S. Supreme Court’s decision to strike down 1996’s federal anti-LGBT statute — the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) — and declare California’s Proposition 8 unconstitutional inspired America’s anti-LGBT jerkwads to a whole new level of hateful excellence.
This year, they proclaimed that “traditional marriage” is in danger and that the LGBT shock troops are going to force everyone to get same sex married. They declared that Christians are going to be rounded up and put into camps (if only!) and that the future will be nothing more than a fabulous Gucci jackboot stamping on a human face…forever.
Here are Raw Story’s nominees for the Top Five anti-LGBT assholes of the year, as well as some mitigating factors about each one and our proposed punishments for each offender.
5. Sandy Rios: Heterophiliac Mary Kay Cosmetics spokesmodel Sandy Rios has carved out a nice little niche for herself as an AM radio “personality” and a contributor to Fox News. This wingnut welfare queen keeps herself in poly-cotton blazers and Extra Super-Hold Aqua Net by making statements comparing same sex relationships to the relationship between Cleveland kidnapper Raoul Castro and his three female captives. She also informed the world that among same sex couples, “there aren’t many lasting relationships — maybe among lesbians, but certainly not among gay men, that’s not the norm.”
Mitigating factors: With a little training, she would make an excellent speed bump.
Punishment: A continued life of hairstyles from heterosexual stylists.
4. Justice Antonin Scalia: Truly, one of the finest judicial minds of the 15th century, our nation’s highest-ranking right wing troll wrote a shrill, hackish dissent to the historic decisions regarding DOMA and Prop 8 last summer. In it, he lamented our nation’s moral decline, played the part of persecuted Christian victim, said that the Court’s decisions were based on “legalistic argle-bargle” and pleaded for the return of Texas’ old-school anti-sodomy laws.
A Utah judge on Friday declared that that state’s 2004 ban on same sex marriages is unconstitutional and in his decision took specific aim at Scalia, taunting him and calling his legal arguments facile and absurd.
Mitigating factors: Wife doesn’t make Xanax-laced, early Sunday morning calls to Anita Hill.
Punishment: Pink, sparkly robes. Permanently assigned to translate Clarence Thomas’ opinions from the original crayon and erase the doodles of naked ladies and giant penises in the margins.
3. Pat Robertson: Somewhere, right now, a damp old wad of chewing gum, a hairpiece and a pair of dentures are snoring together in a tank of life-giving protoplasm. That hair-studded pink mass is the world’s oldest living televangelist, Pat Robertson, who will doubtless rise within 72 hours to say something breathtakingly hateful and ignorant in his quavering old man’s voice, like, gay men wear special rings that allow them to slash the hands of other people during a routine handshake and infect them with HIV.
Mitigating factors: He will be dead soon.
Punishment: Replacement of his regular enema with fast-hardening epoxy so that he will also be literally full of shit.
2. Bryan Fischer: Fischer, national spokesman for the American Family Association, lands on this list mainly for his absolute tirelessness. He is a deeply unoriginal man, sticking to an age-old litany of false accusations against LGBT people, that we’re mentally ill child molesters, that we’re anti-Christian and that the horrible, secular gay mafia is going to come to your house and break the legs of your end tables and force you to marry someone of your own sex.
But you’ve got to hand it to Bryan. He’s reliable. Every day he’s there on his Internet-only radio show, sawing away on the one issue he has, how much he hates LGBT people, how mean and fascistic we are and how terrifyingly powerful we have become.
Mitigating factors: Soft, pretty hair.
Punishment: Forced to spend the rest of his life maintaining the furs, handbags and other fashion accessories belonging to Magic Johnson’s fabulous gay son, EJ Johnson. While wearing pretty, pretty dresses.
1. That pig-ignorant cracker from “Duck Dynasty”: What’s his name? Hap? Spud? Keebo? Oh, right, Phil Robertson. Some might argue with his placement at the top of this chart due to his newness to the field, but this patriarch of a family of yuppie poseurs turned unkempt millionaires really made a splash this year with his statements conflating gay sex and bestiality — as well as his assertion that African-Americans were happier when they were singin’, field-workin’ indentured servants.
And while every right-wing grifter with an anti-LGBT ax to grind has leapt to Robertson’s defense, we feel that the main lesson to take away from his offensive statements and subsequent suspension by A&E is this:
Yes, this is America and everyone here has a right to say whatever half-witted, ignorant thing comes into their head, sure, but you can’t talk about LGBT people anymore like we’re not in the room. We’re going to talk back, and in the case of all the LGBT people at A&E who have been coordinating his interviews, publicizing his show and making him a very, very wealthy homeless-looking person, we might decide we don’t want to sign your checks anymore.
Mitigating factors: The only people we know who watch “Duck Dynasty” are horny bears.
Punishment: Bath and flea dip.
An honorable mention must go to the entire country of Russia — which has proudly thrown off the repressive yoke of totalitarian communism and resumed its rightful place as the gay-bashing, trailer trash capital of Europe. We would also like to extend our sympathies to Alabama Tea Party blowhard state Sen. Dean Young, who ran for Congress on the platform that the Republican Party isn’t stridently anti-LGBT enough…and lost.