Is that a gun in your bra? Or are you just happy to see me?
Ladies, are you feeling conflicted and dissatisfied in your relationships with guns? On the one hand, you’re flattered by all the attention you’re getting from the gun industry. You love when the gun lobby shares its fantasies with you, whispering sweet nothings into your ear about the ways guns make women safer. Sure, you know that the availability of guns actually correlates directly with female homicide. That women in the U.S. are 11 times more likely to be murdered with guns than women in other high-income countries. That the presence of a gun in domestic violence situations increases the risk of homicide for women by 500 percent. And that 38 percent fewer women are shot to death by intimate partners in states that require background checks.
But at the end of the day, you forgive the hopeless romantic that is the gun lobby. Because what girl doesn’t like to be pandered to? The gun industry does special things just for you, like marketing the Pink Lady Undercover Lite and opposing federal legislation that would prevent people who commit domestic violence from buying guns. Perhaps most importantly, he gun industry makes you feel sexy, allowing you to bear your bare arms and your bare skin. Here are some of the sexiest products for girls gun wild.
1. The Flashbang Bra Holster
This bra holster, which I call a brolster, is sexy but practical and you can order it on the website Gun Goddess for a mere $44.99.
In case you can’t already tell, the Flashbang is “a thermo-plastic molded clamshell that snaps into place over the barrel/slide and trigger-guard of small pistols and revolvers.” And conveniently, “tucks underneath a bra band, where it is secured in place by both the band itself and a soft suede strap, that snaps around the center portion of the bra between the bra cups.
Chesty is besty, when it comes to the Flashbang: “Although a larger bust line improves concealment, a looser shirt with a pattern on it or a bit of fullness can help a woman with a more athletic physique to conceal the firearm.” And, ladies, make sure you listen to your bodies before you strap a gun between your breasts: “different strap sizes are included… The straps can be easily changed using a Phillips head screwdriver. As with all holster options, whether this type of holster works for you, your circumstances or your body composition or size, is a personal decision.”
Another Gun Goddess find is the lace thigh holster. It comes in a variety of colors and costs a mere $70.00. Quite a bargain for the “feminine thigh holster from Femme Fatale” (get it? Fatale? as in fatal? As in lethal? I love homicide puns, especially when they are related to the sale of gun accessories). Plus, the “luxurious embroidered lace” and the pockets which fit several gun sizes, make this holster not only reasonable, but highly functional.
And the best part is that, thanks to the nylon grippers on the thigh holster, there’s “no need for an uncomfortable garter belt to keep it in place!” Nothing puts me in a bad mood like gun-supporting-holster-supporting garter belts!
FYI, the images are totally misleading: “POSITION YOUR HOLSTER: The holster is positioned lower on the thigh in the images. You will want to push the holster up much higher.” And, guys can rock a modified version: “Kilt-Wearers: Yes, we can custom-make one for you in man-thigh size, without the lace!”
The lace bra holster, or LaBrolster for short (according to me) is a great compliment to your lace garter. Just remember whether you’re packing heat up top on down low. It’s $89 but you are so worth it! Sequined top, chaotic necklace and apparent half bra not included.
This sexy, waist-cinching, corset holster by Femme Fatale can be your own little secret! Luxurious, embroidered lace [again] covers 6″ wide corset elastic which fits comfortably just below your bra.
It also offers gun-breast snuggling: “A padded pocket in the front conceals your firearm, and the tension of the garment keeps it nestled snugly beneath your breasts.”
And it is both schmutz and schvitz-resistant: “The pocket is lined with a breathable, waterproof material to help keep perspiration and body oils off your gun. It accommodates a variety of gun sizes and allows for ambidextrous draw.”
But, please note, as the website warns, because the corset is a corset, it will feel, surprisingly, like a corset: “keep in mind that this is a corset, designed to cinch the waist in, so it will be a snug fit.”
Make sure you don’t confuse the Big She-Bang Waistband Holster, which is for larger firearms up to 8″ total length and up to 2lbs in weight, with the Hip Hugger Waistband Holster, which you’ll want if your weapon is under 6″ total length and weights under 1lb.
This holster carries “up to 3 firearms & 3 mags at the same time! Front, Back, Right, Left or Cross Draw!” And, if you’ve been wringing your hands over where to stash your taser, this is the holster for you: Because it “fits tasers too.”
This $49 staple comes in black, nude and white, and is so versatile, you’ll want to buy all three.
The tank is basically magic:
This Undertech shirt conforms to any body type comfortably and does not restrict movement. The fabric actually cools the body!… works for both right- and left-handed shooters. Allows immediate access when wearing button down shirts, t-shirts, pullovers… even while sitting.
It’s also dress-up appropriate, because its “worn by the Secret Service, FBI, DEA, TSA, and many agencies and police departments nationwide.” And, as one reviewer explains, “This is a great option for concealed carry while wearing skirts or workout clothes that won’t support my holster on a belt.” So you can wear your shirt whether you’re working at the office or doing Zumba at the gym.