In light of Congress' turn toward the "childish and cynical," Daily Show host Jon Stewart said on Tuesday, the classic Schoolhouse Rock song "I'm Just A Bill" needed an update.
"I'm just holding my d*ck as I sit here and wait, while these fat motherf*ckers hold a phony debate," the titular Bill laments in the new version. "I can't take it anymore, I'm done, I'll buy a gun and my brains I will spill on the steps of Capital Hill."
Stewart pointed out that, instead of actually trying to pass legislation, Republicans and Democrats are locked in a game of one-upmanship: Democrats will advance hopeless proposals in order to use the bills as fodder for election attack ads against the GOP, while Republicans run out the clock on the legislative calendar so that they can avoid voting on "volatile" issues before the elections.
"Democrats and Republicans are on a bad date," Stewart explained. "Democrats know the Republicans don't want to be there. And Republicans know that the Democrats know that Republicans don't want to be there. So in their cynicism, the Democrats have asked, 'Wanna see the dessert menu?' And out of spite, the Republicans have said, 'Bring over the whole f*cking cart. And the espresso machine, 'cause I can do this all night long. You know what? We're not gonna have sex, but I'm gonna make sure you're don't get to f*ck anybody else here.'"
As a result, he said, this Congress is on pace to be the least-productive in history.
"In other words, Congress has now greatly simplified the process for passing laws -- in that it does not," Stewart said.
Watch Stewart's commentary, as posted online on Tuesday, below.