Bill Maher closed out Real Time on Friday with a “buyers’ guide” for any billionaires looking to support one of the nine prospective Republican presidential contenders.
“The field is more crowded at an earlier time than ever because each of these corporate a*s-lickers wants to sign up mega-rich donors like Sheldon Adelson before one of the other guys in the pack blows him first,” Maher explained, before presenting the upside and downside to each candidate.
For example, Mitt Romney’s best attribute was his determination.
“Mitt wants to be president wants to be president like your dog wants that half a Slim Jim you dropped down inside the couch,” Maher argued. “On the downside, Mitt’s speeches are so boring, Bill Cosby uses them to knock out aspiring actresses.”
At least Romney had an upside, according to Maher, who couldn’t find one for Tea Party Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX).
“He’s what you’d get if Ayn Rand had half a sex change and moved to Waco,” he said.
Maher also offered some advice to former neurosurgeon and Fox News contributor Ben Carson.
“I know you don’t practice anymore, but if you still have your brain tools, here’s what I suggest,” Maher offered. “Lie down, put a mirror over your head so you can see what you’re doing, and start cutting, because you’re an insane, paranoid liar who will say absolutely anything — or as Fox News puts it, ‘When can you start?'”
Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (R), Maher said, faced an uphill battle if he entered the race, given his brother George W. Bush’s abysmal 22 percent approval rating when his presidential tenure ended. That instantly gave an advantage. By comparison, he explained, Bill Clinton left the presidency with a 68 percent approval rating, which instantly gives his wife, ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, a leg up.
“In terms of brand loyalty, Hillary’s like if your last car was a Camry,” Maher said. “Jeb is like if your last car was a clown shoots you out of a cannon.”
Watch Maher break down the GOP’s contenders, as posted online on Friday, below.