Daily Show host Jon Stewart held a double intervention on Monday -- both for the Secret Service and a national press corps all-too-willing to hop on the next perceived pitfall.
"What, are you f*cking drunk?" Stewart asked the media. "I wish you were drunk. It would explain all of this. All your hyperbole and everything else. I can just imagine the news media in the back all drunk, going 'Sh*t, what? There was a crash at the White House, dudes doing 80, let's order a pizza, ah, we're all f*cked up, give Piers Morgan a show."
Reports that two agents drove drunk and crashed a car into a White House barricade, Stewart said, sent networks into a reporting frenzy.
"The White House under siege by jealous killer car," Stewart announced sarcastically, saying the story proved that neither the service nor the media "are very good at their job."
Instead of a sensational, White House Down-like action sequence, he noted, it turned out there was no crash and the agents, while drunk, were moving at a "glacial pace."
At the same time, though, Stewart said it was another in a series of public mishaps by the service.
"Stop drinking so f*cking much," he told the agency. "You're better than this. You can be the great agency you once were."
Watch Stewart's commentary below.