Top 10 songs we want played at Justice Antonin Scalia’s funeral
Justice Antonin Scalia (Flickr/Stephen Masker)

Friends, we’ve come to bury Justice Scalia, not to praise him. We are aware that many of you are calling for comity at this moment, saying that even if we didn’t agree with the horrible old bigot, we should refrain from mocking him for a suitable interval. You should probably stop reading here.

These 10 songs are the selections we’d most like to hear played at Scalia’s funeral, many of which are celebratory anthems. If Scalia had just been Noni the barber from down the block who listens to Rush Limbaugh in his shop all day, yes, it would be ghoulish to cue up a bunch of songs for a graveside party, but such is not the case.

As Samantha Bee noted, we’ve all heard stories now about how sweet-natured and charming the late justice was, what a sharp and original legal mind. He relished his work, peppering his opinions with “zingers” and comedic asides.

All of that would be well and good if there weren’t actual people at the receiving end of Scalia’s opinions, bodies upon whom the resultant policies have been meted out, women, LGBT people, nonwhites and poor people of all stripes. I’m sure those folks are thrilled that Justice Scalia gave himself a chuckle while systematically depriving them of their rights as Americans.

That brings us to our first selection.

No. 10: David Bowie “It’s No Game, Pt. 1.”

Bowie’s raw-throated, howled and bellowed opening track to Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps) sets the perfect tone of reproachful, scalding wrath.

Key Lyric: So where’s the moral/When people have their fingers broken?/To be insulted by these fascists is so degrading/And it’s no game

No. 9: Diana Ross, “Upside Down”

This one is dedicated to the Talmudic cult of Scalia acolytes who insist on his brilliance as a jurist, in spite of his many self-contradictions and tortured logistical knots in which he tied himself to try and warp the law to suit his religious and political prejudices.

And honestly, it’s never too early to crank up the disco at a nasty old homophobe’s funeral, am I right?

Key lyric: Upside-down/Boy you turn me/Inside out/And round and round

No. 8: Helen Reddy, “I Am Woman”

Don’t you bet that flaming misogynist just loathed this song?

Key lyric: No one’s ever gonna keep me down again.

No. 7: Amanda Palmer, “Oasis”

Because even in spite of Scalia’s best efforts, for the moment, abortions are still legal in this country.

Key lyric: When I got my abortion/I brought along my boyfriend/We got there an hour before the appointment/And outside the building were all these annoying fundamentalist Christians/We just tried to ignore them

No. 6: Kendrick Lamar, “Alright”

Called by some the unofficial anthem of the Black Lives Matter movement, this is a message to everyone out there fighting white supremacy and the systematic oppression of black Americans. It’s also a perfect selection to have on hand while saying goodbye to a man who called the Voting Rights Act a form of “racial entitlement.”

Key lyric: I’m f*cked up/Homey, you f*cked up/But if God got us/We gon be alright/N*gga, we gon be alright

No. 5: The Weathergirls, “It’s Raining Men”

This is probably the single gayest song on Earth. The drilling sound you hear is Scalia spinning in his grave. Thanks for comparing LGBT people and same-sex couples to “flagpole sitters” (har har), dog-f*ckers and child molesters, you repressed old freak. Hope you can get some iced holy water in Hell!

Key lyric: God bless Mother Nature/She’s a single woman, too

No. 4: Eurythmics featuring Aretha Franklin “Sisters are Doin’ It for Themselves”

Scalia famously believed that the 14th Amendment of the Constitution provides no protection for women against sexual discrimination and no assurances of equal rights for LGBT people. Bearing that in mind, we would like to reframe this 80s classic as a paean to feminism, masturbation and lesbian parenting and dedicate it to the late Justice.

Key lyric: Sisters are doin’ it for themselves/Standing on their own two feet/And ringing on their own bells

No. 3: Klaus Nomi, “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”

Nomi -- a groundbreaking designer and performer who worked with David Bowie and others – died of AIDS in 1983 when he was only 39. We like to think that his new wave take on this classic from the Wizard of Oz provides a properly berserk soundtrack for Scalia’s departure from this mortal coil, multi-octave operatic shrieks and all.

Now, come on, let’s form a conga line!

Key lyric: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH/I’m meeellllltiiiiing

No. 2: Jill Scott, “Hate on Me”

There will be many people who argue that we’re being reductive by calling Scalia the moral equivalent of a Klansman in a black robe. But, really, when you’re one of the most powerful people on the planet and you use that power to rigorously enforce the white supremacist status quo, consistently side with the powerful against the weak, endeavor to strip women of their rights, fight tirelessly to deny people the ability to marry the person they love and to protect the families they raise, well, let’s just say history is going to be a lot less kind to Justice Scalia, even, than we’re being here.

Key lyric: Go ahead and hate on me hater/I’m not afraid, no/What I’ve got I paid for/You can hate on me

No. 1: Lilly Allen, “F*ck You”

Allen’s 2009 track became an anthem to LGBT youth everywhere and really sums up everything we have to say about a man who had one of the finest minds of the 15th century.

Key lyric: Well, all of them, really, but particularly So you say it’s not okay to be gay/Well, I think you’re just evil/You’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces/Your point of view is medieval