Auction off Chris Christie for parts and five other ways Trump can save his horrible campaign
Well, the Trump campaign seems to be coming apart at the seams, transitioning as Brad Reed noted, from a dumpster fire to a landfill inferno.
This poses a problem for those of us who hope that Trump stays in the race and provides the Democratic Party with a historic landslide win in November. Like Twitter user Colin Peters said on Tuesday morning, “I find myself worrying that at the last minute the GOP will find a candidate who is evil and *not* a blithering idiot.”
So, in the spirit of comity — and because we are naturally kind, giving people here at the Raw Story Political Trainwreck Desk — we thought we would offer up some suggestions for how the Trump campaign can raise some dosh and right itself before the all-important Republican National Convention in Cleveland at the end of July.
1. Auction off Chris Christie for parts. Word has it that the wildly unpopular New Jersey governor has been reduced to picking up the presumptive GOP nominee’s McDonald’s order. Surely he can be more useful than that.
In theory, a fully functioning human body can fetch up to $45 million on the so-called “Red market” of human organs, tissues and other parts. In the U.S., a pair of kidneys sells for whopping $262,900, though they are worth considerably less in China ($62,000) and India ($15,000). Yay, free markets!
2. More stupid hats. Not only have Trump’s polyester “Make America Great Again” trucker hats served as a handy indicator of who you don’t want to sit next to on the bus or in the dentist’s waiting room, they’ve also made legions of his followers look like adorable little idiots.
We have some fun suggestions for alternate slogans to silkscreen across the front, like, “I have no idea about anything, but boy howdy am I pissed off!” and “I tried to bring fascism to my country and all I got was this stupid hat.”
Pro-tip to the campaign: This time, sell the hats instead of buying them from yourself ($208,000 in May alone) and giving them away.
3. Move the Republican National Convention to the Trump International Golf Course and Resort in Dubai. This would be a handy way to head off all those pesky Republicans who want to find some other horrible person to lead their party. Trump’s plummeting poll numbers over the last few weeks have left him with only the barest majority of the party’s voters still supporting him.
Moving the convention would be like that thing some couples do when they plan a “destination wedding” in Cancun or an isolated French chateau, ie, to make it as difficult as possible for their friends to attend. Half of Republicans would be too terrified to board a plane to a Muslim country, the other half wouldn’t be able to get their guns past the TSA checkpoint. Let’s see you GOP rebels stage a floor-fight now!
4. Fire everyone except himself. This is where I’d like to speak to “The Donald” directly: Listen, big guy. You don’t need all these losers hanging off your coattails. Look how far you’ve come on a shoestring budget and just your Twitter account. You’re a big shot. You’ve got this. A man of your talents and business gifts is just getting slowed down by a bunch of nervous nellie campaign aides and their stupid ideas. Break free. Let Trump be Trump!
5. Pick up ousted campaign manager Corey Lewandowsky by the feet and shake him until all the money falls out of his pockets. Looks like in addition to being a hothead, a liar and a shover of women reporters, Lewandowsky may have been working a con on his conman client. The campaign is currently conducting an audit of all of Lewandowski’s spending on behalf of the campaign including payments made to a mythical advertising firm from the series Mad Men.
“The address listed for Draper Sterling is a house in New Hampshire, which happens to be a short distance from the hometown of recently fired campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. The name of the agency in ‘Mad Men’ is Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce,” reported The Wrap.
6. Teach a gorilla to kill alligators with an assault rifle and make it his vice presidential pick. By uniting multiple Internet outrages, the presumptive nominee could optimize his campaign’s appeal to search engines while at the same time finding a running mate who makes him look like a master orator. Furthermore, an AR-15-wielding gorilla on a killing spree would provide Trump with a foil who even more closely reflects the mindset, needs and concerns of the GOP base.
Hang in there, Trump campaign. Keep the faith. We need you in this fight.