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Stephen Colbert: This election has always been about something in Trump’s pants — his wallet

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It was announced late Monday night that presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump’s campaign has a lot less money than any presidential campaign should have at this point in the race if they expect to mount a viable opposing campaign.

Presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton even suggested in a press conference Tuesday that a reason Trump won’t release his taxes could be due to hiding the truth about how much personal wealth he actually has.

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“I always knew Trump’s big towers were compensating for something in his pants,” Colbert said on the “Late Show” Tuesday. “I just never imagined it would be his wallet.”

Colbert said that Trump’s campaign is so broke that they’ve been forced to stop feeding his hair piece. Instead, they sent it to a farm upstate. “In fact, $1.3 million isn’t even enough to afford a one-bedroom apartment in Trump’s own building.”

“How could Donald Trump’s campaign have less money, cash on hand, than the ‘Veronica Mars’ Kickstarter?” Colbert asked showing the film raised over $5.7 million. If Trump had the money to hire her, Veronica Mars could probably uncover the mystery of his meager funds.

This all comes as Trump claims that his campaign is cheaper because they only have 30 campaign staffers, however, that news isn’t helping him. Having only 30 campaign staffers in an election requires a multi-state strategy and one generally must leave New York City.

Colbert remarked that in 2012 both President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney raised over $1 billion for their respective campaigns. That puts the Trump campaign a thousandth of the way there. The suggestion Colbert came up with was to shrink the campaign. Literally, shrink it, like using tiny yard signs, which is perfect because Trump’s tiny hands could install them, Colbert mocked.

Tiny Trump yard sign (Photo: Stephen Colbert screen capture)

Tiny Trump yard sign (Photo: Stephen Colbert screen capture)

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“Many Democrats want Clinton to name Elizabeth Warren as her running mate,” Colbert said to applause in agreement from the audience. “You clearly don’t work for Wall Street,” he continued, before showing a clip of the financial sector having a freak out over a Warren VP option. Wall Street has threatened to not support Clinton’s campaign if Warren is the running mate. “And if there’s one thing Wall Street can do, it’s make money vanish,” Colbert slammed.

Instead, Colbert thinks the Monopoly Man has a better shot. “He’s an American icon, he has plenty economic experience and like everyone else on Wall Street, he’s got a ‘get out of jail free’ card.”

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After Trump: No free pass for Republicans — they own this nightmare

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With the impeachment inquiry leveling up this month as public hearings begin, and with an election that might actually be the end of Donald Trump now less than a year away, the campaign to let Trump's Republican allies — even the most villainous offenders — move on and pretend this never happened is already underway.

This article first appeared in Salon.

Sadly, the clearest articulation of the let-bygones-be-bygones mentality has come from a Democrat — unsurprisingly, former Vice President Joe Biden.Biden, who is still, somehow, the frontrunner in Democratic primary polling, spoke at a chi-chi fundraiser on Wednesday, and dropped this pearl of wisdom: "With Donald Trump out of the way, you’re going to see a number of my Republican colleagues have an epiphany."

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Elections 2016

As climate crisis-fueled fires rage, fears grow of an ‘uninhabitable’ California

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As activist Bill McKibben put it, "We've simply got to slow down the climate crisis."

With wildfires raging across California on Wednesday—and with portions of the state living under an unprecedented "Extreme Red Flag Warning" issued by the National Weather Service due to the severe conditions—some climate experts are openly wondering if this kind of harrowing "new normal" brought on by the climate crisis could make vast regions of the country entirely uninhabitable.

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Elections 2016

‘A profound emoluments clause violation’: Andrew Napolitano slams Trump’s hosting the G7 at Doral

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In the wake of acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's announcement this Thursday that next year's G7 summit will be hosted at President Trump's Doral golf club, Fox News senior judicial analyst Andrew Napolitano pointed out that Trump would be violating the emoluments clause if he were to go through with the move.

At the outset of the segment, Fox Business Network anchor Neil Cavuto said that the announcement is "effectively saying the president has given himself this contract."

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