If the Democratic National Convention, which wrapped up last night, proved anything, it’s that the Democrats know how to peel the soft skin of Donald Trump like a tangerine. During the week, they dug into him with a mixture of zingers that were intended to make us laugh, and some that made us cry. We’ve selected some of our favorites.
1. Jennifer Granholm transposing Trump’s “I, alone can fix it” speech into other stirring American words to see how it works.
“Imagine Donald Trump’s version of the Constitution: “I, the person, in order to form a more perfect union…”
Or, centuries later, “I, shall overcome.”
Or, “Ask not what I can do for my country, ask what my country can do for me!”
Donald: You’re so vain, you probably think this speech is about you.”
2. Tammy Duckworth: “Donald Trump, I didn’t put my life on the line to defend our democracy so you could invite Russia to interfere in it.”
3. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar “Hello everyone. I’m Michael Jordan and I’m here with Hillary. I said that because I know that Donald Trump couldn’t tell the difference.
4. Jennifer Lim: “In Donald Trump’s America, it doesn’t matter that I’m an accomplished attorney and a policy expert, it just matters how attractive I am on a scale of one to 10.”
5. Michael Bloomberg: “Trump says he wants to run the nation like he’s run his business. God help us.”
6. Cory Booker: When Trump spews insults and demeaning words about our fellow Americans, I think of the poem by Maya Angelou. You know how it begins: ‘You may write me down in history / With your bitter, twisted lies, / You may trod me in the very dirt / But still, like dust, I’ll rise.”
7. Michelle Obama: “[W]e explain that when someone is cruel or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to their level. No, our motto is, when they go low, we go high.”
8. Joe Biden: “His lack of empathy and compassion can be summed up in a phrase that I suspect he’s most proud of having made famous, you’re fired. I mean really, I’m not joking. Think about that. Think about that. Think about everything you learned as a child, no matter where you were raised. How can there be pleasure in saying, you’re fired? He’s trying to tell us, he cares about the middle class, give me a break. That’s a bunch of malarkey.”
9. Lena Dunham: “Hi, I’m Lena Dunham and according to Donald Trump, my body is probably a two.”
10. America Ferrera: “And I’m America Ferrera and according to Donald Trump, I’m probably a rapist.”
11. Tim Kaine: “I will tell you, to me, it just seems like our nation, it is just too great to put in the hands of a slick-talking, empty-promising, self-promoting one-man wrecking crew.”
12. Anastazia Somoza: “Donald Trump has shown us who he really is and I honestly feel bad for anyone with that much hate in their heart. Donald Trump doesn’t see me, he doesn’t hear me and he definitely doesn’t speak for me.”
13. Xavier Becerra: “At every stage in his life, Donald Trump has exploited America’s laws to put himself first. He uses lawsuits the way my mom uses coupons to drive down prices. He uses bankruptcies – six of them – like a wealthy man’s get-out-jail-free card. I can’t tell you if this man has ever had a callous on his hands. Does he know the price of a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread? And why won’t he release his tax returns? What is he hiding? Why won’t he show the American people who he is?”
14. Gavin Newsom: “What Trump presented last week wasn’t political discourse, it wasn’t even political incorrectness. What Trump presented last week was defeatist and retreatist. Never has a speech been so long, with so little substance, science, humanity, humor, or hope. His hostile takeover of the American Dream is built on two fundamental lies: That America is a dark and desperate place, and that he has any kind of a plan to make it better. Trump strangled the sunny optimism of Ronald Reagan and replaced “tear down that wall” with the cynical bigotry of “build that wall.”
15. Elizabeth Warren: “Trump’s entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial: Hand over your money, your jobs, your children’s future, and The Great Trump Hot Air Machine will reveal all the answers. And, for one low, low price, he’ll even throw in a goofy hat.”
16. Sarah Silverman: “This Democratic primary was exemplary. No name calling, no comments about the size of candidates’ hands or ethnicity,or how much they sweat or if they go to the bathroom. Inside secret: they do. That stuff is for third graders. Like c’mon, major arrested development stuff, that’s I’m-still-emotionally-four-and-calling-people-names-from-my-gold-encrusted-sandbox-because-I-was-given-money-instead-of-human-touch-or-coping-tools stuff. But I digress.”
17. Al Franken: “Now, of course, Trump University wouldn’t be Trump University without its business school. Their bankruptcy program in particular is known throughout the real estate/investment community for its creativity. The most popular course, Bankruptcy 101, or, “How to Leave Your Partners Holding the Bag,” is taught by the cardboard cutout itself.”
18. Barack Obama: “You know, the Donald is not really a plans guy. He’s not really a facts guy, either. He calls himself a business guy, which is true, but I have to say, I know plenty of businessmen and women who’ve achieved remarkable success without leaving a trail of lawsuits, and unpaid workers, and people feeling like they got cheated.”
19. Cheryl Lankford: “Here’s a guy who was born rich and who has all the money in the world and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I signed for Trump University because I thought I could learn something from him. But when he decided to make himself even richer by cheating working people who had nothing to spare. What kind of a man does that?”
20. Kzihr Khan: “Let me ask you: have you even read the United States constitution? I will gladly lend you my copy. [he pulls it out] In this document, look for the words ‘liberty’ and ‘equal protection of law’.
Have you ever been to Arlington Cemetery? Go look at the graves of brave patriots who died defending the United States of America.
You will see all faiths, genders and ethnicities.
You have sacrificed nothing and no one.”