In a helpful debate wrap-up, comedian Samantha Bee couldn’t believe that a “crotch-fondling slab of meatloaf” like Donald Trump would actually end his debate seemingly humping a chair. This, all the while, “a well prepared, but uninspiring public servant” still managed to stand on stage next to him, and not get groped.
Just hours before the debate, Bee describes Trump attempting to grab the media narrative by enlisting the help of four women who say that they’ve been victimized by the husband of his political opponent. Using the women as some sort of “rape victim human shield” was never going to work, however, and the answer for why can easily be found looking at Jennifer Aniston.
“Rubbing a woman’s face in her husband’s infidelities is not the way to America’s heart,” Bee explained. “We love wronged wives. This is the same America that is still obsessed with Jennifer Aniston. Her ex-husband has split up with the woman he cheated on her with and we still want to know if she’s alright.”
In the end, “none of it is Hillary’s fault and none if it erases what Donald did,” Bee said. “Why can’t we lock [Bill Clinton] and Donald Trump in a closet together so they can grope each other to death?”
Pundits universally agreed that the move was a creepy one for Trump to pull, which makes sense because he knows all of the creepy moves. MSNBC’s John Heilemann related it to “Donald Trump pouring gasoline on his head and lighting himself on fire.” Even Hugh Hewitt was so flabbergasted he made a Lord of the Rings reference on national television.
Then the sh*tshow began, proceeding “with one candidate threatening to jail his opponent then stalking her on stage like he’s Leatherface and, finally, fornicating with a chair. When you’re a star the chairs let you do it,” Bee noted.
“Instead of the dynamic lunatic we got at the first debate, we got the fat Elvis version,” Bee said. “A sluggish, bloated, and judging from his answers, possibly medicated.” Bee then showed a clip where the moderators asked Clinton about her emails and a few minutes later Trump asked why the moderators didn’t bring up the emails as if he forgot or perhaps wasn’t conscious at the time.
Trump was dismissive of his “hot mic moment” of “locker room talk,” and thus shameful but perfectly normal. “Oh, that thing I still have nightmares about was just locker room talk and not sexual assault? Whew! Goodbye PTSD! Also, you weren’t in a locker room, you sleazy pair of sweat socks, you were at work,” Bee said, going off on Trump.
The largest difference in the moment of the debates was that poor Clinton assumed she was at a debate while Trump thought he was at his own campaign rally. So, she stuck to the facts, talked about policy and “followed the basic rules of grammar and syntax.” Trump, by contrast, “spent 90 minutes out-gassing a noxious word cloud of aggression and disjointed nonsense he found on Reddit.”
Ultimately, Trump went off on his tangent about Clinton not doing anything about public policy 30 years ago. “Everybody knows that the federal tax rates are set by the First Lady of Arkansas,” Bee joked.
But the best was Trump’s constant complaints that he was being treated fairly, didn’t get enough, was being interrupted and couldn’t answer his questions. In the end, Trump ended up with a little over 40 minutes of talk-time on the debate stage, where Clinton scored 39 minutes. Still, his complaints persisted.
“The debate was a gross travesty of democracy,” Bee said. “Trump did Hillary, the moderators and the viewers what he did to that chair and insulted us all the while.” She played video of him asking, “how stupid is our country?” But concluded, “Thankfully, not that stupid,” showing the recent polling numbers with Clinton up 11 points.
Check out the video below: