During her Wednesday episode of "Full Frontal," late-night comedian Samantha Bee issued a strong word of caution to Republicans and specifically to President Donald Trump: keep your hands off of our birth control.
If there's one thing Americans can set their clocks by, it's that every election year, Republicans reissue another "full-scale assault against reproductive rights" with anti-choice legislation and birth control bans. What is different this year, however, is that the White House is ready to roll back low and no-cost birth control that would prevent the very abortions they're attempting to ban.
"After months of rising tension, the House of Representatives finally reached climax Republican congressmen burst forth and swam straight for your uterus," Bee said before playing a clip of a parliamentarian announcing the passage of a bill. "I'm guessing by your clenched orgasmic joy that this has something to do with the unborn, because, as all conservatives know, life begins at legislation."
Despite scientific facts, Republicans decided that a fetus feels pain at 20 weeks and thus all abortions after 20 weeks should be banned. Bee said she's keenly aware of the facts "because every few months a bunch of unborn fetishizing lawmakers get back on their bullsh*t and we all have to go to fetus university" to inform the officials about actual facts and not alternative ones.
While the House passed a bill, the senate likely won't have anything to do with it.
Bee said that it doesn't shock her that conservatives think a fetus "without developed nervous systems can feel pain," since Mike Pence thinks even flags can feel the pain of the NFL protests.
One lawmaker told Bee that the bills never have any chance of passing and even if they did pass the laws would be struck down in courts. Yet, election year after election year, the anti-choice lawmakers have to prove to their anti-choice special interest donors that they support an anti-choice agenda.
"You know, they knew this wasn't gonna pass the senate," Bee said. "It's just part of a complex, long-term republican strategy to wear me down to a f*cking nub. But not everything Republicans did this week was theater. Some of it was real and scary."
Bee brought up the White House's decision to go after the requirement that birth control be included in health plan coverage even if it conflicts with the religious or moral beliefs of the employer.
"Religious or moral beliefs?" Bee asked. "I think that covers all the beliefs. You can get rid of anyone's birth control if you just believe. The administration is framing this rollback as President Trump standing up for downtrodden people of faith. The administration says this is to try to help Americans get out from, as they describe it, under the thumb of the federal government. They said they don't want Americans to have to choose between their faith and the federal government. Humm. I think Americans did a pretty good job of separating their faith and the federal government when they elected president 'Two Corinthians.'"
Bee described Trump's assault on birth control being "like barging into a pageant contestant's dressing room." She said the president "moved on birth control like a b*tch," quoting Trump's infamous "Access Hollywood" tape.
"His own administration estimates that 120,000 women will lose coverage, and it could be many more," she continued. But, then again, "Trump has never been great at keeping track of women he's hurt. And this bill doesn't just grab women by the pussy, it also grabs men by the pussy. Look, if I know 3 things about straight men it's that they like to f*ck, hate unplanned pregnancies, and love historically accurate, erotic suffragette plays."
She told the president he's clearly ruining everyone's good time. But worse, she asked the president where he would be without birth control.
"Up to your neck in Tiffanys, that's where," she closed.
Watch the full commentary below:
