Late-night host John Oliver unleashed on the unbelievable finds in special counsel Robert Mueller’s report released this week.
Oliver recalled he’d been calling it “Stupid Watergate” because the Trump scandal was like “if Nixon had been kicked in the head by a billy goat and that billy goat was chief of staff.”
“Some of the details in this report were incredible,” Oliver said, noting the president admitted “I’m f*cked” after Mueller was appointed as special counsel to investigate him.
Oliver went on to give a full take of what that moment looked like in the Oval Office: Ivanka Trump was likely playing fetch with Don Jr. Her husband, Jared Kushner, was probably standing motionless in front of a blank wall. Eric Trump’s tongue was likely stuck to a flag pole. Rince Priebus was likely walking around with his head stuck in a honey jar. Steve Bannon was eating a bowl of used syringes while Stephen Miller was gleefully pulling the legs off of a spider.
And at the exact moment when Trump proclaimed “I’m f*cked” with “tears rolling down his cheeks” a “pigeon flew into the room and sh*t in his mouth.”
The “Last Week Tonight” host also highlighted the unbelievable way in which the Trump campaign and his allies were so incompetent that they were ultimately shielded from criminal liability. One of his favorite moments was that former fixer Michael Cohen still, to this day, believes one of the Russian allies was an Olympic bodybuilder.
Oliver loved that these key Trump aides somehow managed to ignore every demand by the president to fire the special counsel. Corey Lewandowski passed it off to an aide, and that aide ignored it as well. Oliver said that a groundskeeper likely also hand it over to a housekeeper who wrote a note and attached it on a Rumba.
When it came to Attorney General Bill Barr’s lies in his summary, Oliver first called out the claim that a sincere belief motivated Trump.
“Donald Trump has never been motivated by a sincere belief,” Oliver claimed.
“All of this is still very depressing,’ Oliver explained. Meanwhile, the president’s team has been taking “an unearned victory lap.”
He played a clip of Kellyanne Conway calling any allegation against Trump “an insult.” Oliver pointed out that a real insult would be saying that Conway was actually a skin-suit of a dead corpse filled with 300 rats who know how to lie.
Ultimately, Oliver pointed out that so much was found in the Mueller report that implicates the Russians, Trump and “dishonest hack” Bill Barr. Yet, for reasons passing in understanding, the White House thinks they’ve all be exonerated.
Watch Oliver’s unique take below:
Impeachment hearing explodes with applause as Jackie Speier highlights Trump’s daily lies
Texas Republican Rep. Mike Conaway on Thursday argued that it was not illegal for Republicans to "out" the White House whistleblower.
Conway cited a Washington Post "fact-check" that gave "Three Pinocchios" to the claim that the whistleblower has a statutory right to anonymity.
Following his time, Ambassador Gordon Sondland was questioned by Rep. Jackie Speier (D-CA).
During Speier's questioning, she was interrupted by Conaway, who brought up The Post giving "Three Pinocchios."
Adam Schiff buries one of the GOP’s remaining anti-impeachment talking points
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) on Wednesday took a hammer to one of the Republican Party's few remaining talking points aimed at undermining the House impeachment inquiry.
Throughout the testimony of European Union ambassador Gordon Sondland, Republicans kept saying that there couldn't be any kind of extortion scheme on President Donald Trump's part because Ukraine got its military aid without publicly announcing investigations into former Vice President Joe Biden.
Schiff, however, showed why this argument simply doesn't hold up.
"My colleagues seem to be under the impression that unless the president spoke the words, 'Ambassador Sondland, I am bribing the Ukrainian president,' that there's no evidence of bribery!" he said.
Chris Wallace fact-checks his own Fox News colleagues after their denials of Trump’s quid pro quo
As US Ambassador to the EU Gordon Sondland gave his testimony in the House impeachment hearings this Wednesday, Fox News contributor Ken Starr acknowledged that Sondland's testimony all but guarantees that articles of impeachment will be drawn up against President Trump. He also posited that Trump "gave himself enough cover" regarding Sondland's September 9 conversation with Trump where he said the President allegedly said, "I want nothing, I want nothing, I want no quid pro quo."
"Well, I think that Ken Starr and [Fox News contributor] Andy McCarthy are very good lawyers," Wallace said. "And like any good lawyers they can parse this, phrase this any way they want, but as a reporter it seems to me that we have to go to what the headline is today, and the headline is that Gordon Sondland, one of the three amigos, perhaps the one who had the most direct contact with Donald Trump, says in his opening statement, 'Was there a quid pro quo with regard to the requested White House call and White House meeting? The answer is yes.'"