On Monday, Washington Post columnist Alexandra Petri mocked the White House for suggesting President Donald Trump’s sudden visit to Walter Reed Hospital over the weekend was part of his routine physical.
“The good news is that everything is completely normal,” wrote Petri. “The president is just doing that unremarkable thing we know and love to do, where we have a free afternoon and decide, suddenly, on a whim, to do some but not all of our annual physical, just to get a jump on it. That classic thing, an option we have, and furthermore have always known we had. As he tweeted, ‘Also began phase one of my yearly physical. Everything very good (great!). Will complete next year.’ Very good (great!).”
“Just to be certain that this was definitely a thing, I telephoned my primary care physician today and asked whether I could come in and do half my physical now and half later at a time of my own choosing, and amazingly she did not immediately clear a path for me, and furthermore I think my relationship with her receptionist may be permanently strained,” added Petri. “‘Could you see me sooner if I just did half of it and then the other half later?’ I asked, and the scheduler patiently began to explain that unfortunately this was not and had never been how physicals worked.”
“President Trump is healthy as a horse, or half a horse, a centaur,” continued Petri. “He is fit as a fiddle, a fiddle that has been attending regular SoulCycle classes. He is probably exactly as fit as a Stradivarius — not to say that he is very old and could shatter at any second, but that he is very valuable and was constructed by a master.”
“Although when Hillary Clinton coughed, ever, it meant that she was at the brink of death (this is medical science; her humors were out of balance, and her womb was roving through her body), Donald Trump’s sudden decision to just go to visit a doctor and do half his annual physical is not cause for concern. His word is good,” said Petri. “He has as many white blood cells as he had people at his inauguration, and his blood pressure is as low as his poll numbers aren’t. He would never lie to us about something important. His tax returns are actually just a picture of his pancreas — an organ so beautiful that if he ever let us see it, the whole nation would lose its mind.”
“I am only half concerned,” she concluded.
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