On Friday, writing for The Washington Post, columnist Alexandra Petri roasted President Donald Trump’s remark that “When you test, you have a case … If we didn’t do any testing, we would have very few cases.”
“One of the depressing things about testing for the novel coronavirus is that if you do too many tests, you will start getting more positive results,” wrote Petri. “In fact, sometimes people who once tested negative will test positive! This is the downside to testing, as the president has so wisely observed. It is time we improved it, regarding both the coronavirus and the many other areas of life in which too-good testing leads to misery and general unease.”
Petri then mockingly suggested other kinds of tests that Trump might want to improve this way.
“Canary in a coal mine: Why keep wasting canaries just to find out whether hazardous gas is leaking around you?” she wrote. “What a depressing thing to discover about your mine! With the E-Z Canary, you need never worry about losing a bird again. This canary is plastic and will never die. It will also not give you information about whether your mine has a dangerous leak, which is good. What you don’t know won’t hurt you, probably!”
“Spedometer: This only goes to 0. Now, you’re never speeding, no matter how fast you’re going!” she continued. “Burned-out headlights: Don’t you hate when you see something in the road that you’re about to hit? Now you will never have to worry about that again. What a weight off your mind! Thermometer: Having a fever can be bad. That could indicate that something is wrong inside your body! Good thing this thermometer stops at 98.6. You will never have a fever again. The lower numbers are still there, though, so watch out for hypothermia! Pregnancy test: Guaranteed to say ‘not pregnant.’ Wow!”
“Annual physical results: This is just a piece of paper saying that your body is the best body ever and has no flaws,” she continued, referencing Trump’s suspicious letters from his doctor. “Is it true, at all? Sure! Truth is what your mind makes it.”
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