If Jay-Z and Beyoncé won’t: Here’s 6 people we wish would buy the rights to the Confederate Flag
No, Jay-Z and Beyoncé are not buying the rights to the Confederate Flag so that they can control when it is legally allowed to be displayed. Nope, sorry. Snopes says it’s not true. The Chicago Sun-Times has debunked it.
The idea was actually — of course! — a conservative phantasm coughed up like a hairball by now-defunct right-wing site Newswatch33. The original post has been yanked down, but you can click here to see a cached version.
We here at Raw Story’s Antiquated Symbols of White Supremacy desk actually think it’s kind of a grand idea. Yes, redneck jackholes in Dalton, Georgia, you can proudly fly your barn-door-sized Stars and Bars as you plow the nose of your Ford F-350 into the rear end of that other redneck jackhole in front of you, but you’re going to have give Jay-Z a dollar every time you do.
That seems like an eminently fair and reasonable arrangement.
However, since it appears the Carters are not actually interested in acquiring the licensing on every single pair of boxer briefs Kid Rock owns, we can actually think of some other people we wish might take control of that old emblem of cracker hegemony and maybe put it to good use.
The fabulous drag entertainer has worn a sequined gown bearing the rebel flag before and, frankly, looked smashing in it. If the Confederate Flag can’t be ordered to sashay away forever, at least let a platinum-haired, 7-foot (in heels) drag Barbie make some money off of it. I’m already envisioning the flag redone in sparkly pink and black. We’re gagging!
2. Martha Stewart
If anyone could repurpose America’s chicken-fried swastika, it would be business mogul, ex-convict and domestic arts maven Martha Stewart. We’re thinking she will probably want to change the crimson to a fresh coral pink and the navy blue to a lovely periwinkle or teal. And then she’d put it on salt and pepper shakers, bed sheets, towels and a precious pair of women’s rubber gardening boots. We could maybe get on board with this plan.
3. Barack and Michelle Obama
Only because it would send a whole slew of bigoted, cousin-humping, gun-worshipping old white people straight into apoplexy and ultimately this:
4. Azealia Banks
The contentious rapper raised conservative hackles earlier this year when she let fly with her sentiments about “fat white America.”
“I hate everything about this country,” she said in an interview with Playboy. “Like, I hate fat white Americans…All the people who are crunched into the middle of America, the real fat and meat of America, are these racist conservative white people who live on their farms…Those little teenage girls who work at Kmart and have a racist grandma — that’s really America.”
The Twitter wars alone would be worth the price of admission.
5. The descendants of U.S. slaves
Royalties on the flag that flew over their oppression might be an awesome way to start reparations for the American slave trade. In fact, let’s get someone right on that.
6. Donald Trump
Possibly the only way he could make his campaign more horrible and do more damage to his and the Republican Party’s reputation would be to go ahead and plaster Confederate Flags all over absolutely every single campaign poster, bumper sticker and cheap plastic trinket.
From keychains to visors to little cloth covers for the ends of your golf clubs, the Trump 2016 logo could really reach its apotheosis when wed to a centuries-old symbol of vicious racism, headlong stupidity in the name of a doomed cause, and a legacy of hate and exclusion. It would constitute, we believe, a rare instance of Republican truth in advertising.