As Americans celebrate our Independence Day, comedian John Oliver wonders if declaring independence from Great Britain was all that good of an idea after all.
"First, there is the matter of your accents. These beautiful vowel sounds could have been yours. But instead from sea to shining sea, you speak like you just burnt your tongue on a hot apple pie," Oliver began.
Oliver then gave a magnificent pitch for bowler hats, explaining that Americans miss out on the "perfect for dressing your head like a circumcised velvet penis."
When it comes to food, however, because the colonists declared independence, Americans now miss out on meat pies, deliciously filled with "a hot f*cking mess."
"But the thing Americans are really missing out on is pessimism," he continued, just one week after taking Britain to task for their Brexit vote. "Americans are optimistic people who believe the sky is the limit. Whereas, in Britain, we are painfully aware of our limits. For instance, look at the British sky itself... even the sun is incapable of asserting itself there."
When it comes to Queen Elizabeth II at the British royal family, "British people never make the mistake of developing self-esteem because no matter what we achieve, deep down we know, we'll never be as good as the Queen. Which is to say, an elderly woman who frowns for a living."
Check out the hilarious take on the U.S. vs. the U.K. below:
