You can't spell Hillary Clinton without "ill," which clearly proves that her alleged "hidden illness" is totally real. At least, that's what Stephen Colbert said in his latest special "The Late Show Presents: Tinfoil Hat."
Tuesday night, "noted medical expert, Karl Rove's face" proved Clinton's illness by using a whiteboard to write things on. We all know that writing it on a whiteboard makes it real, just like posting it on the internet also makes it real.
In fact, Rove's three pages of whiteboard even induced an illness in Megyn Kelly. "Oh my God!" Colbert exclaimed. "Hillary Clinton's illness has already spread to Megyn Kelly! Causing her verticle blindness in one eye and uncontrollable giggles, evidently."
This is just one of the many things that the "puppet-masters of politics don't want us to know." But politics is what "they" want us to talk about. It's all to keep people from asking the real questions. Such as: "Why is only one type of dog allowed to be a real fireman? Do all other dogs love setting fires? Is China genetically engineering super smart babies? How else can you explain the fact that by the time they're three, they can all speak Chinese?"
If that isn't enough, one of the most probing questions never asked: "What is the Hidden Valley really hiding? Is it alien food technology?" Colbert asks. "When I order the soup and half sandwich, who's eating the other half of my sandwich?"
"As you can see, there's a lot of powerful people who don't want us to know things but rest assured, you can always trust me because I can't be bought by some faceless corporate entity. And now a word from our sponsors," Colbert closed.
At the top of the show, Colbert mocked recent findings about Donald Trump. "I don't know if you've been watching the news but over the last couple of weeks Trump has been having a tough time with one key demographic: Voters," Colbert joked. "Especially, it turns out, African-American voters. Fact: Among African-American voters he is polling at one percent, ranking him with the black community somewhere between country music and the Milwaukee Police Department."
Due to the complete fail over the last year, Trump is working to appeal to minorities, and he's doing it by telling them things like they're in poverty, they've been rejected and they have a horrible education. "Yes, nothing, no one, you're totally marginalized for instance, clearly, none of you could get into Trump's rally," Colbert mocked Trump for the sea of white people sitting behind him while he gave his speech about African-Americans.
Trump went on to ask Latinos and African-American voters "what do you have to lose" and begged him to "give me a chance." Colbert was ready for ridicule, saying, "Yes! What the hell do you have to lose? Because you should really hide whatever that is before he becomes president. By the way, 'what the hell do you have to lose? Give me a chance.' Is also how Trump proposed to all of his wives."
Minorities might not like Trump now, but he knows with absolute certainty that they will in the future. In fact, he claims he's going to score 95 percent of them after being in the White House for four years.
"Now, to put that into perspective, in 2012, Barack Obama got only 93 percent of the African-American vote," Colbert clarified. "And Obama would have done slightly better if instead of 'hope' his slogan was 'your lives are garbage. Roll the dice.'"
Sure a lot of people are laughing at Trump's 95 percent claim, especially his own running mate, Mike Pence, who laughed off the claim in a Fox News interview. "Well, it's Donald Trump," Pence said as his excuse.
"Ha, ha, ha," Colbert mocked Pence. "It's my running mate Donald Trump. He says crazy things: Black people will vote for me, give me the nuclear launch codes, crazy stuff!"
Also in the news, Trump's campaign expenses are skyrocketing, in part, because Trump has proven that the rent really is too damn high. Perhaps due to the fact that he raised it on himself.
"When Trump was self-funding his campaign a few months ago he paid $35,000 a month for office space in Trump Tower," Colbert continued. "But now that he's paying for it with donations from other people's money, that rent has gone up to almost $170,000. A 500 percent rent increase! Man, the landlord at Trump Tower must be a real tool. Still, it's nice to hear a story about Trump paying someone the money he owes them. Sure, it's to Donald Trump, but paying your bills is like sex, you start with yourself."
Check out the videos below:
Tinfoil Hat:
Opening Colbert talks about Trump on race and rent:
