imageYoungstown, OH schools are expanding the use of an abstinence-only program called Teen Straight Talk.

Duke estimates that after hearing a Teen Straight Talk program, up to 90 percent of the students commit to staying abstinent until marriage, based on evaluations that are collected after every program.

“We’re underestimating these kids,” she said. “They want to know the truth that safe sex isn’t really safe and that it just reduces the risk.”

The programs that the organization presents highlight the failure rates of condoms, lifelong effects of getting a sexually transmitted infection, and the possible negative emotional consequences of sexual activity.

When presented outside of the public school systems, the rule of abstinence as a Christian principle is emphasized.

“We respect state property, but in other settings we can’t ignore that this is God’s law,” Duke said. “Which is ultimately why parents who have the greatest influence on their kids should be in charge of teaching them about sex, not the schools.”

I could actually understand abstinence-only education if it were some sort of performance art aimed at making parents understand the need to talk to their children honestly about sex before some nutjob gets them to sign a pledge to the God of the Commons. Unfortunately, that's in my dream world where all cars are replaced with unicorns and I solve crimes with my Ph.D. supermodel best friend.

Anyway, checking out Teen Straight Talk's website, you're immediately implored to view this hilarious video. More on it after the break if you don't want to watch badly-acted hysteria. Parent A comes home to her child, who's patiently sitting at the table waiting to reach the age of emancipation. She receives a call from Parent B, who's gravely concerned about the material her child (who, because she's a bad working mother, is off somewhere offering blowjobs for extra chocolate milks at lunch) is receiving in sex ed class. Parent A puts her worried face on, and reveals that she thinks that the program's purpose is to teach kids about abstinence with some information about contraception. Parent A is stupid.

Kids are taught that showering together is a "green light" activity! They're taught to put condoms all over themselves and to give them as presents before a romantic dinner! The kids are even taught "graphic details" about how to bring your partner to orgasm, like where the clitoris is and to not start talking about your mother.

Shock! Awe! Parent-child talk that precedes the inevitable ignorance-driven screaming match with the principal! Parent A sits down with poor Jen, who's asked if she was taught that taking a shower with a boy was okay. Jen, who probably just went through this yesterday when her mom asked if she practiced deep-throating on a king-size Snickers, mumbles, "Yeah." Parent A, deeply concerned asks, "Are you sure?" This is Jen's major tactical error, as she would be better served telling her mom that she was just fucking with her - instead, she mumbles agreement again, which leads her mom to an internal monologue in which she seems to think that showering together is a method of having sex, thereby proving that everyone in this community was too stupid to have children.

There's only one problem with the "showering together" example - it's actually an HIV/AIDS exercise designed to teach kids how the disease is spread - it's not encouraging you to do any particularly activity, only saying certain activities are much more risky than others. Other "green lit" activities include "buying gifts", meaning that Hallmark is riding the anal sex train right into the...

...Okay, even I didn't like where that one was going.

It's bad enough to lie to kids under the guise of getting their parents more involved, it's another to get the parents more involved in said lying by lying to them. If abstinence education actually worked and was a useful tool without the cynical manipulation of all involved, wouldn't they be able to it without the cynical manipulation of all involved?