Anyone else remember how voter fraud was going to take the democracy that had lasted well over 200 years, bend it over, and paddle its unwilling ass with a barbed-wire bat until it screamed "uncle"? Well, we got through the 2008 election cycle, and the reports are in! Voter fraud one; democracy, zero.

And I do mean one.

Hamilton County Prosecutor Joe Deters said he had allegations last fall of widespread voter fraud – allegations a special prosecutor reported Tuesday were wrong, noting the only voter fraud found was from a Connecticut man who told on himself.

“Ultimately,” Special Prosecutor Michael O’Neill wrote in a report, “the investigators discovered ‘get-out-the-vote’ practices, sponsored by community organizations, which took full advantage of this unique absentee-voting period, but no evidence these practices violated Ohio law.”

But what about all those stories of homeless black dudes getting their thug thizzle on? We were promised some illicit hordes of brown people tearing down the walls of our voting precincts to propel Obama into office, not Joe Lieberman's cousin writing in "Big Ole Ballz" for Attorney General. I want the fucking anarchy I was promised, and I want it now.