Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani seemingly forgot 9/11 when he told ABC’s George Stephanopoulos last week that no terror attacks had occurred during Bush’s presidency last week while Obama had one. Jon Stewart gets to the bottom of the real score at a game he calls “terrorball.”
“I remember President Bush’s tenure was one of golden peace,” said Stewart. “Wait a minute, Giuliani is forgetting something what — I feel it’s like something we were not supposed to forget ever,” Stewart noted.
But what could that something be? “I know what it is. I know what it is! We’re forgetting Rudy Giuliani’s bizarre 2001 crusade against the growing menace that was the public walk of ferrets within the confines of New York City.”
During a 1999 radio interview, Giuliani railed against a caller who wanted to walk his pet ferret on the streets of New York City. “The excessive concern you have for ferrets is something you should examine with a therapist,” Giuliani said. “This excessive concern with weasels is a sickness. Consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist, there’s something really, really sad about you.”
Giuliani appeared on CNN Friday to explain that he had mispoken. He clearly meant terrorist attacks since 9/11 and only attacks by known Islamic jihadists.
“What he is saying is even though the worst terrorist attack in the history of the country took place during Bush’s term, that doesn’t count,” explained Stewart. “See, 9/11 was a preseason game. Giuliani is making a point about regular season games,” said Stewart.
In Giuliani’s eyes, Bush had no terror attacks while Obama has had one. “It’s zero to one in effect?” asked Wolf Blitzer.
“Correct,” responded Giuliani.
“By the way, when you’re playing terrorball,” Stewart pointed out. “It’s like golf with an incredible sadness.”
“Turns out Giuliani was going easy on Obama by keeping the score at one [to] nil. Turns out it was a blow-out,” said Stewart.
Fox News’ Monica Crowley named at least 4 attacks that happened under Obama’s watch. “And the list goes on,” she said. “President Bush and Vice President Cheney had a 100% perfect track record of keeping the homeland safe from an Islamic terrorist attack. So far this year we’ve had numerous terrorist attacks,” according to Crowley.
Stewart raised his voice. “Let me explain this again for you fucking idiots out there. Very quickly. Terrorball. The lower your score the better. Attacks stopped by a Dutch guy still count as an attack. No fucking ferrets. And the game ends when…”
He left it to Bill O’Reilly to finish. “One more attack — there have been three on Obama’s watch in the first year. One more on our soil — you know, a major one. Where you get dead bodies, this, that and the other thing. He’s done.”
The Daily Show‘s John Oliver joined Stewart to further explain the logic being espoused by conservatives like Giuliani, Crowley and O’Reilly. “This is insanity. Is this really going to be our conversation about national security,” asked Stewart.
“Yes is, John.” replied Oliver. It’s three attacks under Obama to zero under Bush. “Mercy rule. Game over,” he explained.
First of all, the shoe bomber doesn’t count by Oliver’s rules. He didn’t explain why. The solider that killed a fellow soldier in Kuwait in 2003 doesn’t count because it didn’t happen in the “homeland.”
The anthrax attack don’t count because they weren’t solved. “Kudos to Bush there for operating in an area of genuine uncertainty. I’m going to give him a minus one on that one. This is a blowout, John,” said Oliver. “They have to be solved, Islamic, homeland based killing,” Oliver continued.
Stewart wasn’t giving up. “2006. UNC guy drives into a crowd with an SUV, praising the masterminds of 9/11,” Stewart wanted to know the score on that one.
“No. No. No. That was injuries only,” Oliver snapped.
“At the El Al counter at Los Angeles airport there was a shooting, people died. That is a terrorist attack,” Stewart continued.
Oliver shot that one down too. “It must be a domestic airline.”
Finally Stewart gave up. “So, there’s no winning.”
“Republicans are inherently better at national security,” Oliver explained. “That is an established fact of conventional thought.”
“Why do [Republicans] get a pass on national security breaches?” Stewart wondered.
Oliver had the answer. “Everyone knows that they are good at national security. Exactly the same reason that Harry Reid gets a pass on his racial insensitivity. Because everyone knows Democrats are good at black people.”
This video is from Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, broadcast Jan. 11, 2010.