Andrea Tantaros and the politics of making a sandwich
Fox News host Andrea Tantaros (screen grab)

It's Saturday morning, and when my boyfriend wakes up 30 minutes before he needs to be at work, I'm going to make him a breakfast sandwich so he has something to eat while rushing through the door.

I couldn't care less about feminists who think taking care of my man sets women back 50 years. I also don't give a damn about conservatives who demand I construct hand-held delights for my significant other to convince him to stay with me.

The choice is mine, and I get to do what I want based on free will.

But here's the thing - I've never come across a single feminist who advised me against cooking for my boyfriend. However, I have heard from numerous conservatives who think it's their place to tell me, along with all other women, that our worth in a relationship is based on how well fed our dudes are.

Case in point: Andrea Tantaros on Fox News. 

Recently Glamour Magazine decided to retract a blog that's usually par for the course for their publication. I was actually surprised that Glamour nixed "13 Little Things That Can Make Your Man Fall Hard for You" and apologized for urging women to make their men sandwiches. Women's magazines have been echoing that hilariously old-school message for decades. But once the fine writers at Glamour apologized, the traditionalists of Fox News spoke out in disbelief. Andrea Tantaros chimed in with her ever-so-loveable commentary.

“After you engage in a little horizontal hula, make him a sandwich,” Tantaros said.

“That’s not called 1950s. That’s called kindness. And frankly, I think women should do a little more of that.”

First off, the horizontal hula? What kind of grown ass woman uses a euphemism for something that doesn't need a euphemism? It's sex, and it's awesome. Fox doesn't need to tip-toe around it, especially with an audience upwards of 70 years old. On the other hand, horizontal hula sounds like a terrible thing to put yourself through. It actually sounds like the antithesis of pleasurable sex.

Okay, now let's get to the substance:

"Make me a sandwich" is often used as an insult toward women. Just read the comment section of any video I've ever been in, and the proof is in the pudding. That's point number one. But there's more to it than that.

The thing that people have a hard time understanding about the cheesy sandwich debate is that most women, including liberal women such as myself, don't mind doing nice things for their men. I love it and it makes me feel elated when I can make anyone feel satisfied or taken care of.

When my boyfriend gets home extremely late from class on Monday nights, I always make sure to cook dinner so he doesn't rely on fast food. I don't do that because some conservative blowhard told me to. I also don't do it because he tells me to. I do it because I want to. My actions are from the heart and they're more meaningful when they're not expected or demanded of me.

My kindness is reciprocated, which leads to this beautiful cycle of compromise and taking care of one another. It's not a one-sided bond that requires me to get down in the bedroom and then get busy in the kitchen.

Getting relationship advice from Andrea Tantaros is like getting recommendations from Taylor Swift circa 2012 when she wrote that awful song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." It's immature, one-sided, and overly simplistic. Plus, it makes me feel like my ears are going to bleed listening to it.

People in general don't like being told what to do. I'm sure men hate it when they're urged to buy women flowers or dinner. But there are plenty of guys who willingly do it without listening to what others tell them. The same goes for women.

We don't need to be advised to be kind to keep our partners happy because it's just common sense. If someone isn't smart enough to figure that out, trial and error will teach them how to act right. That goes for men and women.

In the meantime, try to vet the sources you rely on for relationship advice. If you trust idiots, you'll probably end up acting like one. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to successful relationships, and treating a bond like it's one huge gender war probably won't bode well.