Saturday night, while good Americans were enjoying the blessings of liberty on the fruited plains of the best country God ever created that isn’t named France or Spain or even Canada, this happened:
Militia members protesting a federal prison sentence for two Oregon ranchers convicted on charges of setting fire to federal land have occupied the headquarters of a national park.
The protesters include Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy’s son, Ammon, and two of his brothers. Also among them is Ryan Payne, who organized snipers to aim weapons at federal officers during the Bundy Ranch standoff last year.
They told OregonLive that they are accompanied by about 150 others and are hunkered down at Malheur National Wildlife Refuge headquarters. The group is described by reporter Les Zaitz as “hard core militia” who adopted the ranchers’ cause as their own.
“The facility has been the tool to do all the tyranny that has been placed upon the Hammonds,” Ammon Bundy told Zaitz in a phone interview from inside the headquarters. “We’re planning on staying here for years, absolutely. This is not a decision we’ve made at the last minute.”
He would not rule out the possibility of violence.
If that seems confusing, a shorter description would be: heavily armed militants took over a federal building and they are threatening to fight to the death because they don’t recognize U.S. laws.
Wait, that still seems unduly harsh.
Here, let ABC explain it to you via Twitter:
Well now, that seems quaint and delightful and probably fun, doesn’t it? I was so encouraged that I even applied for a job at ABC by showing off my spin chops: “Adorably rambunctious white dads hold campground sleepover and patriotic Constitution hijinks at national park.”
While my agent waits to hear from ABC’s people (I’m holding out for serious Stephanopolous-type money) here are some other people from Twitter who have some style suggestions for ABC’s Weekend Twitter Master:
@ABC Here let me help you, “Armed white terrorist take over wildlife refuge”… you’re welcome.
— Theresa Rose (@karmamar55) January 3, 2016
— Fro Dameron (@lafemmeluna) January 3, 2016
@ABC that’s the most sugar coated headline I’ve ever seen…stop giving us white people headlines like that
— WillyWonky (@WillyWonky6) January 3, 2016
— Imani Gandy (@AngryBlackLady) January 3, 2016
@ABC There’s nothing “peaceful” about a group of armed rednecks seizing public property. This is terrorism, plain and simple.
— Donald G. Carder (@theangrymick) January 3, 2016
— Liv Barrett (@livlyfetc) January 3, 2016
— Sour Kraut (@eldritchengines) January 3, 2016
— Michael Curry (@mcurryfelidae07) January 3, 2016
Go home @ABC, you’re drunk.
— Miss Corinthians (@TheCarter87) January 3, 2016
ABC made it gone now. It’s back! Thank goodness we took a screencap of it for posterity.
It belongs to the ages now.
WATCH LIVE: Trump addresses the nation after Iran retaliatory missile strike
President Donald Trump will address the nation Wednesday morning on Iran’s attack on two military bases in Iraq hosting U.S. Armed Forces. The missiles were a retaliatory strike in response to Trump’s decision to assassinate General Qassem Soleimani.
The White House had signaled the president would deliver his address Tuesday night, but walked that back and the president, insisting “All is well!” in a Tuesday night tweet promised to speak Wednesday morning.
Here are 11 of the most punchable faces of 2017
Remember back when 2016 began and the world held so much promise and then a bunch of people in the Midwest got mad at Hillary Clinton because she didn't visit their state fair, eat a corn dog and admire their butter cow so they decided to toss a match in the septic tank by voting for Donald Trump to "shake things up"?
That, among other reasons, is how we got to where we are now in Trump Year One: Like A Plague, But Kinda Worse.
It has been a very weird year compared to the past few to the point where someone like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Zodiac Killer) is barely a blip on our screen because he seems sort of "meh" compared to the daily tsunami of Trump atrocities that have us drowning in depression -- and depending upon Robert Mueller and Zoloft (Ask your doctor if ZOLOFT is right for you) to pull us through.
WATCH LIVE: Sarah Huckabee Sanders holds WH briefing as Trump squabbles with Gold Star families
As President Donald Trump's administration squabbles with the family of Sgt. La David Johnson and Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-FL) over the president's ham-handed attempt to offer condolences to Johnson's widow, many people are failing to ask why U.S. Army Green Berets were in Niger at all.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is expected to receive questions about Niger and more queries about the administration's decision to go on the warpath against Wilson with false charges about a 2015 speech.