Yes, Virginia, there is a “Bernie bro.”
Well, at least one that we can definitely put our finger on.
If you have have never encountered a Bernie bro — well, then you have probably never been in the fever swamps known as “comment sections,” which generally have the soothing ambiance of a a psych ward that ran out of meds two days prior.
Contrary to popular opinion, Bernie bros or “Berners,” are not just smug privileged know-it-all white guys who hide behind Twitter egg avatars.
Some are quite open about their relationship with the Bernster, slapping their names onto big sloppy Internet wet soul kisses.
Take writer H.A. Goodman, for instance, who love love loves Bernie.
Let’s review his handiwork and see if you notice any sort of common theme that runs through it besides his dogged insistence that he is gonna vote for Sanders so goddamn hard he’ll probably make a Bernie baby.
- Hillary Clinton just can’t win: Democrats need to accept that only Bernie Sanders can defeat the GOP (2/19/16)
- Hillary Clinton’s political machine has been busted — thanks to Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren (2/9/16)
- Hillary Clinton is more right wing than you think: For progressives, a vote for her over Bernie Sanders is a waste (12/30/15)
- I still won’t vote for Hillary — unless her supporters can answer these 20 questions (12/7/15)
- I wouldn’t vote for Dick Cheney, so I won’t vote for Hillary Clinton: An unrepentant only-Sanders voter fires back at critics (12/2/15)
- No, really, I’ll only vote for Bernie Sanders — and Paris helps explain why (11/18/15)
- Hillary Clinton is on wrong side of everything: Stop telling me I have to vote for her because of the Supreme Court (11/11/15)
- I’m a Bernie Sanders voter who will not support Hillary Clinton: Here are 10 reasons why (11/10/15)
- Bernie Sanders has already won: He’s not only gaining on Hillary, he’s pushing her the right direction (10/13/15)
- Hillary’s bizarre Keystone dodge: Once again, she plays into Sanders’ hands (7/29/15)
- Hillary’s Keystone problem: Bernie Sanders pushes from left, but Clinton’s position still ambiguous (7/20/15)
- Trump can’t buy Sanders: How campaign finance — and those old Clinton/Trump contributions — might matter (7/15/15)
- They’re terrified of Bernie Sanders: Fox News, Hillary surrogates and Wall Street get extra-nervous (7/13/15)
- If only Hillary could rope in Bernie Sanders: The primary nightmare she suddenly can’t avoid (7/12/15)
- Paul Ryan’s much-needed history lesson: What he really needs to learn about urban poverty (4/29/14)
Oh, that last one was written the day Bernie announced — so he must have had an early deadline.
And that was just at Salon.
Let’s not forget H.A.’s efforts at The Huffington Post, where — granted — a few of the same columns show up with variations on a theme:
- Bernie Sanders Is the Only Democratic Candidate Capable of Winning the White House (2/19/16)
- Beware of the Angry White People Supporting Hillary and Spreading the ‘Bernie Bro’ Myth (2/17/16)
- If Superdelegates Steal This Election From Bernie Sanders, I’ll Write-In Bernie’s Name (2/12/16)
- New Hampshire Women Chose Bernie Sanders in a Landslide, Not Hillary Clinton (2/10/16)
- Marco Rubio and Hillary Clinton Accepted Almost the Same Amount of Prison Lobbyist Donations (2/9/16)
- Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren Have Defeated Hillary Clinton’s Political Machine (2/8/16)
- If Hillary Clinton Isn’t Influenced by Wall Street Cash, Then Why Overturn Citizens United? (2/5/16)
- Bernie Sanders Will Ban Fracking. Hillary Clinton ‘Sold Fracking to the World’ (2/4/16)
- Bernie Sanders Will Save America From Becoming a ‘Coin Flip Democracy’ (2/3/16)
- Bernie Sanders Won Iowa’s Political Momentum and Shattered Clinton’s Inevitability Myth (2/2/16)
- Bernie Sanders Is a Once in a Lifetime Presidential Candidate. The Time Is Now. (1/29/16)
- 5 Reasons Bernie Sanders Will Win the Presidency in a Landslide (1/27/16)
- Rahm Emanuel Raised Money for Hillary Clinton. Another Reason to Vote for Bernie Sanders (1/25/16)
- Hillary Clinton Isn’t Only Against Reparations, She Accepted Money from Prison Lobbyists (1/22/16)
- Bernie Sanders Will Dominate Super Tuesday and Defeat Clinton in Southern States (1/20/16)
- Bernie Sanders Will Win Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina. Here’s Why. (1/18/16)
- Bernie Sanders Is Now the ‘Inevitable’ Democratic Nominee and Presidential Winner (1/15/16)
- Bernie Sanders Will Win the Democratic Nomination and Presidency in a Landslide (1/13/16)
- Clinton Attacks Bernie Sanders on Guns, But Was as a ‘Pro-Gun Churchgoer’ in 2008 (1/11/16)
…and that is just in 2016.
It is quite obvious that H.A. is quite taken with the fetchingly self-described “Democratic Socialist” Sanders, who wants to expand the social safety net, provide free college tuition, allow everyone to enroll in Medicare and who wants to put people before profits.
And since Goodman describes himself as “liberal Democrat,” it’s not hard to see why. It seems like a match made in BernieSingles.com heaven, where it modestly states: “Meet other people who understand the world.”
But love can be fickle.
Prior to Sanders jumping into the ring, H.A. was madly in love with libertarian government-hating, social services-slashing Republican Sen. Rand Paul.
In fact it was only two weeks before his heart belonged to Bernie that he wrote: “I’m a Liberal Democrat. I’m Voting for Rand Paul in 2016. Here Is Why.”
Sure Rand thinks giving people food stamps is just like “slavery.” And it may be true that Paul wants to give the Pentagon an extra $76 billion to make ends meet. And there was that time when Rand Paul said he would like to “repeal all of Obamacare.” Oh, remember when he was still running for president and he wanted to replace the 35 percent corporate tax with a 14.5 percent flat tax because cutting taxes on businesses and the rich creates jobs? That was so —
But “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good,” because only Bernie can “defeat the GOP.” Or Rand Paul.
Hearts and vows are made to be broken…