With each passing day, Donald Trump (aka Drumpf) takes one lumbering step closer to securing the Republican Party nomination. If he does, the Idiocracy may soon be upon us.
Turning out to vote is the most practical course of action to avoid such an outcome. But in pessimistic preparation, it may help to get a headstart on dealing with the seven stages of grief that will come in the event of a Trump presidency.
There will be more than enough time to wallow in pain, anger and depression, so for brevity’s sake let’s jump ahead to acceptance. And who better to accept than the wacky cast of ex-models, hunters and bizarre pop-songstresses that comprise the Trump family clan, starting with...
Ivana Trump, 66
Ivana was Trump’s first wife and set the gold (or really, more of an over-polished bronze) standard for his future brides. Ivana was a Czechoslovakian ski-racer turned model at the time of the couple’s wedding in 1977. Between then and the couple’s split in the late '80s due to typical Trump trifling, Ivana held the title of vice-president of interior design for Trump Towers. She also mothered three of Trump’s offspring.
Donald Jr, 37
The first of the three is Trump’s son and heir, Donald Jr. Growing up under the yoke of his father’s ego, Donald Jr. has gone on to become the executive vice-president of the Trump Organization. That’s not to say Donald Jr. is a carbon copy of his old pop. For instance, unlike Senior Trump, Junior enjoys hunting.
Ivanka is the second Trump child. Like her brother, Ivanka has taken some of the reins of the family business, serving as executive vice-president of development & acquisitions. Along with her father’s brash bravado, Ivanka also inherited some of her mother’s airs and graces, working as a model and designer. Another knack Ivanka seems to have picked up from her genes is her way with platitudes, which she regularly expresses to her 1.8 million followers on Twitter. Here are two tweets that demonstrate her fine grasp of irony.
See more #wisewords here: https://t.co/LZluMuuZFz #quotes #inspiration @RichardBranson https://t.co/KjGUya2AyH— Ivanka Trump (@Ivanka Trump) 1456927301.0
See more #wisewords here: https://t.co/wISox4jnkD #AliceWalker https://t.co/XPBnYwOSls— Ivanka Trump (@Ivanka Trump) 1456866073.0
Eric Frederick, 31
Eric Trump is what Donald Trump would look like if he was bitten by a vampire in 1983. https://t.co/61QP7odo43— David Roth (@David Roth) 1454986640.0
What Donald Jr. seems to lack in his old man’s ginger-hued pizzazz, Trump’s second son, Eric Frederick, more than makes up for in looks. The confluence of Trump's tackiness, spiced with Ivana’s European roots, results in Eric’s somewhat vampiric-looking appearance. If this sounds a bit unfair, rest assured he lives up to it by regularly killing animals on big-game hunting trips to Africa. If that’s not enough fuel for the flames, he’s also really excited to see his dad build that big wall.
True! https://t.co/wbSQqFBPSO— Eric Trump (@Eric Trump) 1456780315.0
Marla Maples, 52
Marla Maples took the marriage torch from Ivana in 1993, although technically she already had her own flame burning several years prior to the divorce. In the relatively brief time the two were married, before splitting in 1999, Maples gave birth to daughter Tiffany. Maples had earlier career success in the '80s, appearing in the film version of Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive and a decade later in the Todd Solondz film, Happiness. But these achievements pale in comparison to her 2014 ethereal-sounding single, "The Pearl."
Tiffany Ariana, 22
Although Tiffany has spent most of her life on the opposite coast from Trump, it seems her father's insatiable hunger for the spotlight has rubbed off on her. In 2011, Tiffany released a glittery pop track alongside her mom called Like a Bird. More recently, the young Trump appeared on a NYFW runway. If she really is her father's daughter, expect to see a whole lot more of her in the future.
The latest addition to the Trump bride brigade is Melania Knauss. In keeping with the Trump type, Melania is a former model of Slovenian descent. There’s not too much else to say about Melania other than the fact she appeared as the Bride of Frankenstein in a 2005 insurance commercial opposite Gilbert Godfried’s Aflac Duck. It’s just a tidy coincidence she married Trump that same year — at least she’d prepared for the role.
Not long after they married, Melania gave birth to Donald’s latest heir, Barron. Who knows what went into the thinking behind this name, but if Trump has anything to do with it, one can only fear what the future might hold for this youngster.