Months from now the Psycho shower-scene “screee-screee-screee” presidential campaign of Cara Carleton “Carly” Fiorina will just be an unpleasant memory that can hopefully be repressed with an incoming Clinton presidency combined with three or nine cinnamon appletinis — or whatever the hell the kids are drinking these days.
This story first ran on January 16, 2016
To her credit Carly has outlasted former governors Rick Perry, Bobby Jindal and Scott Walker, to say nothing of former New York governor George Pataki whose campaign was doomed due of the fact that nobody had anything to say about him, good, bad or indifferent. In a GOP competition dripping with bloody red meat for the slavering masses, he was a sprig of parsley that fell off the plate.
- That time Carly Fiorina swore ‘Ted Cruz cannot possibly beat Hillary Clinton’
- Twitter tees off on Fiorina joining Cruz — and her singing: ‘Every plant in my house just died’
In the cases of Jindal and Perry, each man’s failure to launch can be attributed to a video that lingers ever so slightly in the memory; Perry’s inability to count to three and Jindal’s cornpone goofball response to the 2009 State of the Union. Bye, guys. Enjoy the private sector.
After Fiorina mercifully withdraws from the 2016 GOP presidential field to return to her Virginia estate (where she will make snotty comments to “the help” as the Household Founder/CEO/Chairman of the Board and Queen of All She Surveys — Goddammit ) she will be remembered for several video clips because she is an overachiever.
One thing that has become perfectly obvious, and was only hinted at during her equally-doomed California senate run in 2010, is that Carly does not take well to being challenged. No, mam, she does not. Nope. Not at all. Just ask the HP board that chose to give her $21 million to not work for them anymore and ruin the company.
Even when Carly is behaving herself and using her “not in front of the company, we’ll talk later!” voice, her raptor grin can’t detract from her narrowing eyes that hold the promise that she will “cut a bitch, any bitch” once the door to the green room closes.
But when “There goes Snarly Carly” is unleashed on camera — it’s video magic.
As I mentioned before, Carly gave us a taste of Carly-to-come when she was caught on a hot mic during her 2010 senate run against Barbara Boxer, that was pure ….well, I’m sure she would now call it: “So yesterday.”
Next up, Fiorina attempted to bite the fluffy head off of adorable ABC commentator George Stephanopolous after he delicately pointed out that she was a liar when she said she saw something in those highly-edited Planned Parenthood videos that doesn’t exist.
Key Carly comment: “No I didn’t misspeak, and I don’t know who you’re speaking about in regards to watching the tapes. I have seen those images. I don’t know if you’ve watched those video, George. Most people haven’t. Certainly none of the Democrats who are still defending Planned Parenthood.”
In this clip, Carly smirks and moves the goalposts after she wrongly claimed that five generals had been forced out by Obama, and Chris Wallace of Fox News points out to her that she was right on three out of five.
Her excuse, “I was talking about the warrior class.” Oh.
Here Carly was a bit snippier with Wallace about those pesky Planned Parenthood videos after he points out that no one else has seen the clips she insists she saw.
“No I don’t accept that at all. I’ve seen footage. And I find it amazing actually that all these supposed fact-checkers in the mainstream media claim this doesn’t exist.”
Fiorina is then shocked, shocked when CNN’s New Day host Alisyn Camerota challenges her on several comments she made, including more about that Planned Parenthood clip that doesn’t exist.
Carly is not going to put up with this media obstreperousness any-goddam-more.
So she loses it: “Wow, Alisyn, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation, honestly! It’s clear now, it’s very clear that Planned Parenthood is harvesting body parts. So clear that they had to announce that that they no longer take compensation for it. Honestly, this has been hashed and rehashed is there no other issue of economic import to the middle class in the United States of America that you’d like to talk about this morning?”
Jump to December, and Carly is now off the rails and engulfed in flames — of righteousness. CNN’s Chris Cuomo pushes back when she refuses to acknowledge the link to the Planned Parenthood videos (them again!) and the loon who shot up the Colorado Springs clinic.
Here is the exchange:
“Do you feel any sense of regret about how you characterized what was going on at Planned Parenthood after the attack in Colorado?” Cuomo asked. “Because of what the man said which seems as though he was influenced by some of the rhetoric coming out of you and others that painted a very ugly picture and unfair one about Planned Parenthood.”
“Oh, please. Really, Chris?” Fiorina replied, before again restating that the videos were not edited.
When Cuomo corrected her saying “Of course they were edited. Let’s be careful about what we’re saying,” Fiorina snapped.
“Oh let’s be careful about what we’re saying,” she said sarcastically as she narrowed her eyes. “Let’s be very careful about what we’re saying.”
And… at the top of our list, a bitter and defeated Carly Fiorina is beyond help or reason as she rails at Chris Matthews because that upstart no-account resume-padding Hillary Clinton is gonna be president even though she has a horndog husband.
Key quote: “They’ve been married for a really long time.” Repeat five times while painfully grimacing in an approximation of a smile.
Bonus points for the snotty, “Wow, Chris. There are sooooo many other things we could talk about,” as she wags her head back and forth which I think means she is going to strike like a cobra.
— MSNBC (@MSNBC) January 15, 2016
Hopefully she withdraws before she goes completely mental. But if she does lose it, they should put it on pay-per-view.
I know I’d totally pay to watch that.
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Remember back when 2016 began and the world held so much promise and then a bunch of people in the Midwest got mad at Hillary Clinton because she didn't visit their state fair, eat a corn dog and admire their butter cow so they decided to toss a match in the septic tank by voting for Donald Trump to "shake things up"?
That, among other reasons, is how we got to where we are now in Trump Year One: Like A Plague, But Kinda Worse.
It has been a very weird year compared to the past few to the point where someone like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Zodiac Killer) is barely a blip on our screen because he seems sort of "meh" compared to the daily tsunami of Trump atrocities that have us drowning in depression -- and depending upon Robert Mueller and Zoloft (Ask your doctor if ZOLOFT is right for you) to pull us through.
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