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Here are 9 things we hope Donald Trump plagiarizes in his RNC speech

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Given Melania Trump’s surprising choice to plagiarize Michelle Obama, we have high hopes that The Donald will lift some language of his own when he accepts the nomination from the Republican party tonight. Below are some works Trump would do well to incorporate into his historic speech.

1. “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.” – Hannibal Lecter, Silence of he Lambs. 

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2. Here Comes the Hotstepper, iNi Kamoze.

Here comes the hot stepper, murderer
I’m the lyrical gangster, murderer
Pick up the crew in-a de area, murderer
Still love you like that, murderer…

No no we don’t die, yes we multiply..

Extraordinary, juice like a strawberry
Money to burn baby, all of the time…
Come juggle with me,
I say every time

Start like a jackrabbit,
finish in front of it
On the night is jack, that’s it, understand?
I’m the daddy of the mack daddy
His are left in gold, maybe
Ain’t no homie gonna play me, top celebrity man

3. “If you prick us, do we not bleed?” Shylock, Merchant of Venice.

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I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

4.”I could show you incredible things,” Taylor Swift, Blank Space.

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‘Cause you know I love the players
And you love the game
It’ll leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
Got a long list of ex-lovers
They’ll tell you I’m insane
But I’ve got a blank space baby
And I’ll write your name

I could show you incredible things
Stolen kisses, pretty lies
You’re the king baby I’m your Queen
Wait the worst is yet to come, oh no
Screaming, crying, perfect storm
I can make all the tables turn
Rose gardens filled with thorns
Keep you second guessing…
But you’ll come back each time you leave
‘Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream

5. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning,” Lieutenant Colonel  William “Bill” Kilgore, Apocalypse Now. 

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You smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn’t find one of ’em, not one stinkin’ dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like victory.

6. He’s a Cold Hearted Snake, Paula Abdul.

If Trump is unable to resists the urge to mock Ted “Lying Ted” Cruz over his jeers-inducing digs during his non-endorsement, he’d be wise to borrow some of the lyrics from this 1989 hit by Paula Abdul.

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He’s a coldhearted snake lookin into his eyes
Oh, oh he’s been telling lies

7.  Just a Kiss, Lady Antebellum

The Donald may feel the need to explain the awkward air kiss he kind of landed on his running mate Mike Pence. This song could provide him with some good material.

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don’t want to mess this thing up
I don’t want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life
So baby I’m alright, with just a kiss goodnight

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8. Father Figure, George Michael

This is THE perfect song for Trump to steal from right after his daughter Ivanka introduces him. Ideally, he would deliver these words after he hugs her and right before she exits the stage. Holding her, he can say,

I will be your father figure
(Oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine
(I’d love to)
I will be your preacher teacher
(Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
(It would make me)
I will be your father figure
(Very happy)
I have had enough of crime
(Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
‘Til the end of time

9. “Ain’t I a woman,” Sojourner Truth.

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The Donald will want to go out on a bang tonight with an unbelievable speech, a tremendous speech, folks. It’s gonna be terrific. This truly historic man should use this truly historic speech, which abolitionist and former slave Sojourner Truth. delivered at the 1851 Women’s Convention. The fact that Truth was speaking in Ohio (Akron) makes it especially appropriate for Trump to use in Cleveland. The speech also has an elegant ending, which will enable Trump to wrap up nicely. 

Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that ‘twixt the negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what’s all this here talking about?

That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain’t I a woman? Look at me!

I have borne thirteen children… And ain’t I a woman?

Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain’t got nothing more to say.

 


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