Stephen Colbert brought back Timmy, the schoolyard bully, on Wednesday night’s “Late Show” to explain Republican nominee Donald Trump’s latest decision to attack the Republican Party. “That guy is way too childish to be president!” Timmy exclaimed, frustrated in the latest “Trumpster fire” of the campaign.
Trump has had a horrendous week, in which he attacked a Gold Star family, seemed happy about getting a Purple Heart as a gift, because it was ‘much easier’ than earning one and appeared to feud with a crying baby at a campaign rally. “And I’ve been out here for five minutes, so I’m gonna say he got his head stuck in a five-gallon can of Van Camp’s pork and beans,” Colbert started off the show saying.
“He makes more gaffes than I can keep up with,” he continued, saying that it was like the “I Love Lucy” episode in the chocolate factory when the conveyor belt is sped up. “Except, with Trump, the brown stuff ain’t chocolate.”
Things are so bad for the Trump campaign that reports are coming out about “suicidal staff” and there are reports of a possible intervention. “An intervention!” Colbert said surprised. “They love you, Donald. And the first step to recovery is admitting you’re the problem.”
Colbert calls it “wishful thinking,” but another report is out that senior GOP officials are trying to come up with ways to legally get Trump off the Republican Party ticket. “In fact, top Republicans have been seen standing outside Mitt Romney’s house holding boom boxes,” Colbert said, alluding to John Cusack in “Say Anything.” Though in Colbert’s version, it’s Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI), Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).
Things are so bad, even Ryan retweeted a poll that lists Harambe the Gorilla, who is polling at 5 percent. “One in 20 want to see Harambe in the Oval Office,” Ryan added in the tweet. Problematic, since Harambe is dead — and also a gorilla.
Trump decided Wednesday that he was changing his nickname for “Crooked Hillary” to something else since no one is actually saying “Crooked Hillary.” He started asking questions about Clinton’s “middle name” and mocked “Rodham,” Clinton’s maiden name, as Hillary “rotten” Clinton. “I don’t know how he does it,” Colbert remarked. “By which I mean, sleep at night.”
Several top Republican bigwigs announced this week they were supporting Clinton over Trump, including Rep. Richard Hanna (R-NY) and former gubernatorial candidate and Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman. Colbert said that it makes sense because Trump can’t stand the establishment either. Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is in a tough reelection bid and said that he would support the Republican nominee, despite Trump insulting McCain as a POW. Trump is now refusing to support McCain in his election.
Colbert played the clip of Trump insulting McCain as the audience booed. “I know, but it really brings you back to a simpler time, when that statement was shocking,” he said. Speaker Paul Ryan got the same treatment from Trump, when he used Ryan’s own words against him saying he’s “just not there yet” with a Ryan endorsement. This prompted Colbert to note, “That’s a great way to take down your political opponent, which for Trump is now everyone.”
The childish lashing out at his own party made it a perfect time for Colbert to introduce Timmy the schoolyard bully to explain what’s happening at Trump HQ. Timmy said that he’s excited to switch out Trump’s nicknames for Clinton because the insult “works on so many levels.” Colbert insisted it actually only works on one level.
Insulting nicknames are one thing but “throwing Paul Ryan’s own words back in his face? Doesn’t a presidential candidate have to be more mature than that?” Colbert asked Timmy, who proceeded to mock him for asking the question. But when pressed about the downfall of the campaign, Timmy had a hard time responding. It was like the last 48 hours of non-stop failure was the kryptonite to his bullying.
“Okay, listen, I know,” Timmy began. “You know, we need to talk for a second, man to fart knocker. I’m in over my head, man! I thought this would be fun, ya know? Share some laughs, destroy the GOP, maybe even ban an entire religion from the country, but Trump’s out of control! That guy is way too childish to be president! I’m voting for Hillary! Cooties be damned!”
Check out the videos below:
Part 1 (at the 1:50 mark):
Part 2 with Timmy: