If 2016 had a face we would punch it. So hard.
What an awful, terrible, horrific year it has been; starting out with so much promise and ending up with this, the most punchable of faces:
It was year of great losses as we watched people who tried to make the world a better place leave us, one Facebook news alert at a time.
David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Prince, Alan Rickman, Gwen Ifill, John Glenn, Gloria Naylor, Arnold Palmer and Carrie Fisher -- all gone. Even Abe Vigoda died, and for real this time.
Combined with the rise of Trump, this makes us so stricken that we are stuck at stage two of the five-part grief cycle.
- Stage one: Denial ("What do you mean Prince died? What do you mean Trump won? What the hell is going on?")
- Stage two: Anger ("I wanna punch something ... or someone.")
As we have pointed out before, we don't advocate actually punching someone because it is wrong and illegal and stuff like that, but that doesn't mean that we don't sometimes see someone on the TV and think, "Man, I'd like to see someone knock the crap out of that guy. Just totally put him on his ass by punching him in his big stupid face."
So it can be very cathartic to, at the very least, make up a list of people who are completely deserving of decking.
Which brings us to this years most deserving candidates.
Now obviously not everyone who is in need of a good punching can be listed here because the internet is finite, or so I hear. But we have managed to narrowed it down and please accept our apologies if your fave didn't make the cut.
As you will no doubt notice, there are no women on the list because we don't talk about hitting women even in jest. So if you're looking for one of a bevy of sociopathic dead-eyed Trump blondes (and Katrina Pierson) who inhabit the cable shows, you'll have to look elsewhere. And shame on you.
Once again, and I can't emphasize this enough: Don’t hit people, but feel free to fantasize.
For example, let's start with these two:
Owners of punchable face: Eric and Donald Trump Jr.
and misogynists, just like dear old dad.
The face: Concentrated white privilege.
Crimes against humanity: The two who wake up in a city that doesn't sleep to find themselves king of the hill, top of the heap, got there by being smart enough to have been born to another wastrel who was born into money. Because their dad was elected president (and seriously America, how much meth did you smoke last year?) we're going to have to put up with them for the next four years with their dim-witted smirky faces, their "American Psycho" hairstyle and fashion sense, and the fact that both of them married what appear to be downmarket fashion knockoffs of their sister (Ivanka, not the other one -- the not-Ivanka one) and there is certainly nothing creepy about that. No siree. Nope.
Owner of punchable face: Corey Lewandowski
Occupation: Former Trump campaign manager then CNN employee while still getting paid by Trump.
The face: The look of a man about five seconds before he backhands a woman for folding the bath towels wrong.
Crimes against humanity: Trump had many defenders on CNN, but none who exhibited quite so many warning signs that normally indicate rabies. He assaulted a Breitbart reporter and eventually got fired by Trump, making him immensely desirable to CNN -- where we assume he was shackled to his chair to keep causalities to a bare minimum.
Owners of punchable face: Milo we can't even be bothered typing out his last name because no one cares anyway.
Occupation: Breitbart creation gone horribly wrong even more than usual, fame whore.
The face: The banality of banality.
Crimes against humanity: I'm loathe to even include him because giving him any of the attention that he so desperately and frantically craves goes against every fiber of my being. Like Piers Morgan, Milo is proof that Americans are so enamored by an English accent -- believing it to be a sign of uncommon intelligence -- that even if what comes out of their mouth-hole is content-less bullshit, the hicks are still dazzled. Milo's schtick is going on college campuses and saying things like "feminism is a cancer" because, wow, super transgressive, man. Oh, he's also gay and, like, a vegan, he mentions it every possible chance he gets because I guess that's still thrilling to his neo-Nazi pals until they do a little deeper research into what those pink triangles meant. Then things will turn real dark...