Winter is back.
The HBO series “Game of Thrones” — based on the books by George R. R. Martin — returns tonight for its seventh season.
Daenerys Targaryen is sailing her army across the sea to Westeros — dragons and Tyrion Lannister at her side. Queen Cersei finally sits on the Iron Throne with unfettered power — but all of her children are dead. The tattered remnants of the Stark family have returned to a ruined Winterfell and the dreaded armies of the dead are marching south from the Great Wall.
Washington under Donald Trump, however, makes what’s happening in Westeros look like a pleasant afternoon splashing in the water gardens of Dorne. Even as Ramsey Bolton was being torn apart by his own hounds at the end of Season 6, there is a chance he may have been thinking, “At least I’m not Sean Spicerrrrr…”
At Raw Story we pondered what the White House would look like if it was staffed by cast members of the hit show. Who would have all the power? Who would be seeking revenge? Here’s a look at what we dreamed up.
Steve Bannon as King Robert Baratheon
Some would probably like to see Bannon cast in the role of someone menacing and fully dark-sided like Queen Cersei’s resurrected ultimate soldier The Mountain. However, given his intellectual limitations, his self-indulgence, self-satisfaction and unshakable belief in his own greatness — with so little evidence to back it up — Bannon resembles no one so much as the buffoonish King Robert. And who knows? Bannon may yet end up gored and bleeding out on a forest floor somewhere. Praise the old gods and the new.
Kellyanne Conway as Melisandre, the Red Priestess
One of these women is a delusional fanatic whose faith has turned her into a monster, who has sold out everything sacred and worthy and good in life to pursue an agenda of murder, bloodshed and religious zealotry. The other one is the Red Priestess from “Game of Thrones.”
Ivanka Trump as Sansa Stark
Sansa Stark has spent nearly all of the action up to this point as a pawn in other people’s chess games. There are rumors and whispers that she will become a force unto herself and a character with real agency. But right now, she mostly simpers around wearing lots of pastels. Sound familiar?
Jared Kushner as Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish
Petyr Baelish is sleazy, mixed up in everything, in love with Sansa, completely untrustworthy and has erotic desires that we’re probably all better off not thinking about. Sort of like Jared Kushner. Unlike Kushner, however, Littlefinger at least knows how to worm off the hook when he gets caught and understands the value of having multiple escape plans at all times.
Robert Mueller as Jon Snow
Jon Snow is one of the few characters in this whole tangled mess who genuinely seems to care about the difference between right and wrong…and could end up being the hero of the whole story. We hope Robert Mueller is listening.
Donald Trump as King Joffrey
All spoiled rotten bullies are essentially the same. King Joffrey and Donald Trump are both thoroughly rotten, unpleasant, boastful, arrogant and insufferable. Frankly, if we were sitting near them as they began to choke on their dinner and we had to choose between performing the Heimlich maneuver or calling 911, we’d probably vogue — or pull out our phones and see what’s on sale at H&M.
For what it’s worth, Joffrey and Trump both share a love of forcing themselves on unwilling women, humiliating their enemies and generally being the poster children for abortion rights.
Pigeon pie, anyone?
Melania Trump as Queen Cersei
This one almost seems too easy. And yet there’s a huge difference in that Cersei — for all her blood lust, sibling lust, ruthlessness and thirst for power — is kind of turning out to be a semi-sympathetic character.
Killing all of your enemies at once in a fiery inferno takes a certain level of panache, whereas Melania — unless she’s slapping away her husband’s hand or trying to step off Air Force One as if she’s never met this horrible orange man and has no idea what she’s doing here — still seems mostly to be a mannequin whose publicist takes dictation from the president.
James Comey as Tyrion Lannister
In spite of their glaring height difference, fired FBI Director James Comey and Tyrion Lannister are both men who were driven unjustly from their positions of power and who are inexorably arcing their way back to exact their revenge. And while we’re not sure whether Comey is much of a drinker, he certainly “knows things.”
Who are some other White House characters who you would cast in “Game of Thrones?” Would deep-pocketed right-wing mega-donors Robert and Rebekah Mercer be the Iron Bank? Would Jeff Sessions be The Sparrow? Is Nigel Farage Varys the Eunuch? Is Tiffany Trump the Khaleesi in waiting? Let us know in the comments.