There isn't a story that begins, "T'was the night before Thanksgiving," but it didn't stop late-night comedian Jim Jefferies from snuggling up beside a digital fire and reading the gruesome story of the first Thanksgiving.
"In 1620 a group of English Puritan separatists set sail on the Mayflower, after founding Plymouth colony they forged a treaty with the Wampanoag tribe," Jefferies read, before turning to the dark and sordid past of slavery and decapitation.
"Soon, sh*t loads — sorry -- soon, ship loads of settlers were arriving on the shores of the new world," he continued. "These Pilgrims had no problem seizing the natives' land and capturing slaves."
"Then in 1637, the Pilgrims attacked the Pequot nation slaughtering 700 men, women and children," Jefferies explained.
He went on to clarify that in modern America the Pequot Nation is "the site of the Foxwood's Resort and Casino, where comedian and libtard cuck Jim Jefferies performs twice a year and if he doesn't like America so much why doesn't he go home, he used to be funny.
"Alright, alright, settle down book," Jefferies urged the audience.
"To commemorate the massacre, the colony's governor declared a day of Thanksgiving," he said with gusto. "Eventually, the Wampanoag chief led an uprising against the settlers. Thousands more Native Americans died and the chief was decapitated, and his head was displayed in Plymouth colony for 25 years."
He continued, "And that's why we put marshmallows on sweet potatoes! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!"
Watch Jefferies reveal real history of Thanksgiving below: