Following Ellen Page's announcement last Friday at the Time to Thrive conference that she was a lesbian, the Daily Caller removed reporter Patrick Howley's confessional "satire" where he reportedly was told by the Republican party to quit masturbating to the "sarcastic, brooding alternative woman."
Under the headline, "GOP to Howley: Stop masturbating to lesbian Ellen Page", the post (which can be found cached here) is written as a series of emails between Howley and the "establishment Republican think tank Sugarcane Foundation" in which Howley is dis-invited from attending a panel discussion on “How Inherited Wealth Can Solve the Entitlement Crisis.”
The Sugarcane Foundation's reasoning, purportedly written by "Skiffington T. Coonjabber IV, policy director, The Sugarcane Foundation, Washington, D.C." explains: "Look, we know you masturbate to Ellen Page."
"On December 26, 2007, you saw “Juno” for the first time alone in the back row of the ‘Minerva’ Art Theatre in Madison, Wisconsin. Later that night, you returned home to your room in your co-operative house, took off your thrift-store sweater, closed your eyes…Look, it’s all here in the file. It didn’t stop that night. 47 times over a period of six years? Are you sick?"
Howley then responded with a detailed history of his inability to connect with women by explaining, "Almost everyone I run into, if I bring up school choice or mismanagement at the Federal Reserve people start jabbing their finger in my face about how their gay cousin served in Iraq and still can’t get married. Am I doing something wrong? Am I just an unlikable person? I don’t even have any friends under the age of 40 anymore, Skiff. I’m so lonely."
Commenters at The Daily Caller did not seem to be amused by the attempt at satire with 'midwestconservative' writing "I'm sure this sounded funny before you posted it, but it's not."
MalteseFalcon added, "So now we're being offered to read about masturbating habits of Daily Vomit's editorial board?"
Raw Story contacted the Daily Caller's Managing Editor Christopher Bedford, requesting comment on why the Caller pulled the post and he responded with a link to the YouTube below:
Patrick Howley concluded his piece with: IN MEMORIAM: RIP Patrick Howley: 1988-2014
[Image via Where's Fluffy on FLICKR, Creative Commons licensed]