‘Tis the season for Stephen Colbert to sing while electronic snow falls on the screen behind him. But one thing Colbert noticed about some of our holiday traditions is that mistletoe has President-elect Donald Trump written all over it.
“This is one is messed-up tradition,” Colbert said. “If you catch somebody underneath mistletoe, tradition says you can kiss that person whether they want it or not! It should be called ‘mistle-Trump.’ Donald trump said, ‘if you’re a star you can grab them by the holly, and they can’t stop you.'”
Colbert urged people not to call him a “party pooper” because the “real pooper here is mistletoe.” Apparently, the word comes from the words “mistle” which means “dung” and “tan” meaning “twig.”
“Ooh! Kiss me, I’m standing under the sh*t-stick! So romantic!” Colbert exclaimed
He also explained that mistletoe is poisonous. “Why not just hang up a bag of cyanide capsules?” he wondered. “According to the national institutes of health, it can cause drowsiness, nausea, and blurred vision, and we already have eggnog for that! So, this year, mistletoe will have no place in my celebrations. I will stick to the nice, normal traditions: Propping up a slowly-dying pine tree and waiting for an ancient elf-man with a stocking fetish to break into my home. Merry Christmas, everybody!”
Colbert started out his Friday night with a furry hat with ear flaps and a Russian accent since Trump won the election. He noted that Trump tweeted the question why President Obama didn’t make a big deal about the Russian hack before the election.
He was quick to school the incoming president. “They did complain before she lost, Donald! I complained, too. The president did. You talked about it. You asked them to hack Hillary!”
He then played the clip of Trump responding to the news about the hack asking the hackers to locate Clinton’s 30,000 emails.
“Oh, you know where the Russians might find those emails? Wherever you’re hiding your tax returns,” Colbert proclaimed.
Colbert said that the most disturbing news he heard this week was that climate scientists at the EPA are fearful that their research will be destroyed under the incoming administration. So, they’re rushing to copy it. He had a brilliant suggestion for the scientists: “If you want to hide something put it wherever his tax returns are.”
Check out the full hilarity below: