"Late Show" host Stephen Colbert walked through President Donald Trump's recent 46-minute Facebook rant in an epic opening monologue Wednesday night.
Thursday will mark one month since the election, and "the president has spent that entire time throwing a loud, pants-filling tantrum," said Colbert. "If we don't change presidents soon, he's going to get a rash."
He explained that the world had been subjected to Trump's "call to arms" for his supporters, seeking to overthrow the election and nullify the will of the people.
"Unfortunately, we know how things end when you tell the president to stop: $130,000 check, but only if the entire state of Georgia signs an NDA," Colbert half-joked.
Trump's extensive video he posted to his campaign page "about 4:00 Eastern Crazy Time," Colbert said. "No press. No questions. Not even the mediating lower-third graphics of cable news. Just un-cut blue-flake crazy, packed in a straw packed in a straw and blown right into the brainstem of the kamikaze MAGA dead-enders."
Trump began with a promise: "This may be the most important speech I've ever made."
Colbert estimates Trump meant to say "the most 'impotent' speech you ever made." He called it "just another rambling mass of lies that lasted a full 46 minutes. My big complaint: he should have done this a week ago, not because he said anything worth hearing, but at least the people who canceled a big family Thanksgiving could have pretended they were still eating with their racist uncle."
The host showed the portion of Trump's video where the president displayed a timeline of election reporting showing the two large Democratic counties "dumping" their returns after midnight. Once those counties came in, Trump cried foul, saying that they were fraudulent because so many people in the heavily Democratic areas shouldn't have voted for President-elect Joe Biden.
"Again, with the massive dumps?" Colbert asked. "But given his cheeseburger at bedtime, 3:42 in the morning sounds about right for him."
Trump also alleged that "in Arizona, the attorney general announced that mail-in ballots had been stolen from mailboxes and hidden under a rock." A fact-check of Trump explained they weren't ballots that had been cast. Someone had stolen them from people's mailboxes. The 18 ballots were then hand-delivered to the individuals, and voters were allowed to fill them out or go vote in person.
It was a claim that Colbert found questionable. "Hidden under a rock? In Arizona? In the desert? Did a fast bird going 'meep meep' do this and you tried to chase the bird, and you ran into a painting of a tunnel on the side of a mountain? By the way, if you run off a cliff, you'll be fine, as long as you don't look down."
"Even what I'm saying now will be demeaned and disparaged, but that's okay," Trump told his followers.
"Well, as long as it's okay. You're a petty, angry man, desperate for validation you will never receive and have never deserved."
See his opener below: