These 8 human train-wrecks are proof that Donald Trump really doesn’t hire ‘all the best people’

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has stated again and again that one of the reasons the American people should trust him with the highest elected office in the land is because he's such a great businessman who hires "all the best people."

As his campaign has unfolded -- or perhaps "unravelled" would be a better word -- since its inception in June of 2015, it has become abundantly clear to anyone watching that Trump is actually terrible at hiring people. Let's take a look at just a few of the poor decisions Trump has made when he has told people, "You're hired."

1. His doctor On CNN this week, Dr. Sanjay Gupta has savaged Trump's decision to have his presidential certification of health prepared by his personal gastroenterologist Dr. Harold Bornstein. Bornstein, said Gupta, has lied about his credentials and does not actually work at the hospital where he claims to.

Furthermore, as Newsweek's Kurt Eichenwald noted, the letter itself appears to have actually been written by someone who is not a doctor. It is completely bereft of any actual medical terminology and makes claims that no real doctor would be comfortable making.

2. Corey Lewandowski Trump's first campaign manager of three was a hot-headed campaign rookie who allegedly had an affair with another staffer which erupted in an ugly public "screaming match," manhandled a woman reporter from a friendly press outfit and encouraged all of the candidate's worst, most combative instincts.

Now Lewandowski appears to be collecting paychecks from CNN and the Trump campaign simultaneously, making daily appearances on the network plugging Trump's campaign and being a good soldier for the cause, no matter how flimsy and eye-rollingly awful his talking points may be.

3. Katrina Pierson The vast majority of Trump surrogates appear to be atrocious nitwits who believe that if they stammer the same talking points over and over, opposing arguments will magically melt away like snow in the springtime. See: Michael "Says who?" Cohen or Kayleigh McEnany -- whose lighter-than-cotton-candy arguments would be more convincing if she could hide the terror in her eyes -- and others. However, Hurricane Katrina is a breed apart.

Whether wearing her trademark bullet necklace or just a glassy, painted-on smile, Pierson has stumbled her way through appearance after appearance, floating talking points so staggeringly absurd and untrue that more than one on-air host has been left "speechless."

She has accused President Barack Obama of starting George W. Bush's wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. She has accused the media of making racist Donald Trump look like a racist. She has called the release of tax records by presidential candidates a "novelty tradition." She has blamed Black Lives Matter for Trump's attacks on Judge Alonzo Curiel.

In fact, there are times when one suspects that Pierson's whole existence is a search-and-destroy mission for verifiable facts. Fortunately, facts are stubborn things.

4. Whoever was in charge of Melania's speech to the Republican National Convention The bar was set pretty low for former model and would be First Lady Melania Trump's speech to the RNC in Cleveland. And she did very well, speaking clearly and movingly and not at all like an escaped android from an 80s Robert Palmer video.

However, within hours it came to light that large portions of Melania Trump's speech were plagiarized from Michelle Obama's address to the Democratic National Convention in 2008.

The campaign pinned the blame on speechwriter Meredith McIver, who Snopes.com assures us is a real person -- unlike that time in 1991 when Trump called a bunch of press outlets pretending to be his own spokesperson so he could brag about himself.

5. Paul Manafort With the dead eyes of a river catfish and the manner of an undertaker to the mob, now-ousted Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort seemed an unlikely choice to replace exploding Claymore mine of a person Corey Lewandowski at the campaign's helm.

Revelations of Manafort's work as consigliere to pro-Putin forces in Ukraine -- including now-exiled Pres. Viktor Yanukovych -- and wealthy oligarchs in Putin's circle showed that, actually, yes, Manafort was an appalling choice for campaign director.

He stepped down earlier this month amid allegations that he illegally channeled millions of dollars to pro-Yanukovych lobbyists in the U.S. without registering as a foreign agent.

6. Kellayanne Conway Bless her heart, the newest campaign manager -- Trump campaign managers having roughly the same career life expectancy as Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers at Hogwarts -- was described by one anonymous source as "Katrina Pierson with a calculator."

With Trump's poll-numbers in free-fall, Conway was hired to bring her experience with candidates like Missouri Rep. Todd Aiken (R) -- who lost his seat in the House over comments about "legitimate rape" and pregnancy -- and erstwhile presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX).

Her first TV appearances on behalf of the flailing Trump campaign were widely regarded as disastrous. She melted down to a stuttering mess when trying to excuse Trump's caginess about his tax returns, then went on ABC News and said that Trump is softening on his campaign's primary selling point -- the mass deportation of illegal immigrants.

While these statements may have mollified more moderate voters, they were anathema to Trump's xenophobic, nativist base, who took to Twitter en masse to decry this "betrayal" by the campaign.

7. His racist butler Anthony Senecal -- who has served as Trump's personal butler for 17 years -- spends his off hours on social media calling for the murder of Pres. Obama, braying about "the SECOND AMERICAN REVOLUTION !!!!!" and calling First Lady Michelle Obama "Sasquatch."

We thought butlers were supposed to have good manners.

And finally:

8. His hair and makeup people No presidential candidate in the history of the republic, we are fairly certain, has ever looked worse on camera than Donald Trump. From the ghastly wig/weave/toupee covering his bald spot(s) to the shiny, pores-gaping, oatmeal-y texture of his bright orange skin, someone is obviously lying through their teeth when Trump asks, "How do I look?"

We feel that we would be remiss, however, if we didn't mention the people Trump hasn't hired, ie, real campaign staff and coordinators. Republican party officials have expressed dismay for months at the campaign's laissez-faire attitude toward its ground game.

This week it came to light that the campaign's office in one Colorado Republican stronghold is being run by a 12-year-old boy.

On Tuesday night, Late Night host Seth Meyers said, “That’s right, a 12-year old is running a Trump campaign field office. And, to be honest, he’s the only one on the Trump campaign who’s got his sh*t together. I bet he calls Trump every night with campaign advice. ‘Hey, bro! You gotta pivot!'”